In my last post I addressed the topic of forgiveness and how
necessary it is to grant it for our own emotional health and growth. I outlined what it takes to get to the point
of healthy forgiveness and how to avoid cheap forgiveness. I also mentioned that forgiveness is not the
same as reconciliation and that it is important not to confuse the two. Unfortunately, many people journey through
their lives with a cloud of guilt hanging over them because they want so badly
to reconcile a broken relationship but no matter what they try it doesn’t
work. Feelings of guilt and defeat
follow them wherever they go. Or they are
very angry with another person because he/she is the one refusing to
reconcile. Some even question their
spirituality because of their inability to fix what is broken. However, just like forgiveness,
reconciliation cannot be rushed and requires both parties be in a certain frame
of heart for it to even have a chance. The more significant the broken relationship
(father, mother, son, daughter, sibling), the more pain and defeat we feel and
the more difficult the relationship can be to restore. This post is important because while it is
necessary to forgive, it is not always possible or even wise to reconcile. From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is a
necessary step but reconciliation is not.
Reconciliation requires hard work by both people. It cannot be accomplished because one person
is trying as hard as they can to mend the relationship while the other
seemingly isn’t interested or isn’t emotionally healthy enough to do what it
takes on their end. So what does it
take?
1.
A
willingness to acknowledge the role each person played in the severing of the
emotional bond. I realize there is
not always equal participation in the hurt but it is important that both people
be on the same page as to who did what. This doesn’t take an accusatory tone or confrontation,
though that may have happened in the past, but rather a voluntary
acknowledgment of the role each played in the dysfunction. For example, in an abusive situation, the
abuser must be willing to take full responsibility for what he or she did, never
blaming the victim, in order for reconciliation to even be a possibility. However, the disintegration of a marriage or
other significant relationship usually involves unhealthy contributions of both
parties so each must be insightful and humble enough to own and openly discuss
the role they played. For reconciliation
to be possible, both people must in humility own the pain for which they are
responsible without blaming the other person for the role they played. If neither party can do this or if only one
of the partners can admit their part, true reconciliation is not possible and
any attempt to reconcile by the will of one person is unhealthy at best and
dangerous at worst. It is also very
unhealthy for one person to try and act like nothing happened just to make
things better.
2.
A change
in behavior over a substantial period of time.
After each person recognizes their role in the relationship breach
the behavior that caused the problem must completely stop or, in some cases,
significantly decrease. A period of
“painful honesty” must follow. By that I
mean, going out of the way to make sure the offended party has absolutely no
reason to question or doubt. It is not
possible to know if real change has occurred without a demonstration of truth
for a period of time. For example. I
worked with a couple who were separated because the wife was no longer willing
to accept her husband’s flirtatious behavior with other women. He acted this way for so long it caused her
to feel very insecure and to wonder if more was going on that she didn’t know
about. After she told him he needed to
move out for awhile, a very contrite husband became very apologetic and
promised it would never happen again. Though
she was tempted to accept his words and immediately start fresh, she wisely was
cautious about taking him back and wouldn’t do so until after she had plenty of
time to see how he behaved around other women.
Her friends also provided some extra eyes when she wasn’t around just
for added insurance. His part of “painful
honesty” was giving his wife access to all his passwords for email, social
media, and cell phone records. This
showed her just how serious he was in his reconciliation attempt.
In some cases full reconciliation
is just too risky and shouldn’t even be attempted (unsafe people who still feel
dangerous physically or emotionally), but it does not have to be an all or nothing
situation. In a previous post I gave an
example of a grandfather who wanted to see his granddaughter. Many years earlier he had sexually abused a
friend of the mom’s when she was in her early teens. He never fully owned what he did nor did he
want to talk about it. Because of his
attitude, even though the offense occurred some 20 years earlier, grandpa could
only see his granddaughter when mom was present. There could be no unsupervised visits. If she saw additional signs at any time that
he still was tempted inappropriately by young girls, all visits would cease. She was able to have a relationship with her
father but only with these strong boundaries in place.
3.
Both
parties must want to reconcile. There
are so many cases where an injured person or the person who primarily caused
the pain wants so badly to restore the relationship but for whatever reason the
other party isn’t interested. No amount
of begging, cajoling, manipulating, or threatening will result in a healthy restoration.
Reconciliation will have to wait until
both people are ready with the understanding that that may never happen. In that case it is important to be able to
accept that the relationship will not ever be what it once was.
4.
New
rules, new dynamics. Full
reconciliation of a relationship rarely results in the relationship being a
close as it once was. There is almost always a period of testing and
trepidation followed by a relationship that looks and feels differently than it
did before. This is normal and hopefully
can be accepted as a healthy reaction. However,
there are some instances where the relationship after reconciliation is closer
than ever before. The work put into
resolving the situation actually brings the two people more intimacy and
emotional bonding.
People are worth second chances and close relationships are
valuable and worth repairing if the mutual desire is there. Just remember, the process takes a lot of
hard work and can’t be done by just one person.
If you want reconciliation while the other person does not, I suggest
working on acceptance of what has happened and learning to deal with the new
status of that relationship. You can’t
make someone reconcile who is not interested.
So give yourself a break from guilt and/or anger and realize that the
timing for reconciliation, if it is ever to occur, is crucial and can’t be
forced. If you are ready to reconcile
but the other person isn’t be patient but realize trying to move on may be your
best option. In the meantime do all you
can to work through whatever role you may have played in the hurt and learn
from it, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.
