We cannot live this life without being hurt in major and
minor ways from time to time. Whether it
is being the recipient of a hurtful comment or facing the tragedy of divorce or
even abuse of some kind we all eventually come face to face with the question
of forgiveness and how in the world to grant it. It is important advice that in order to move
forward with life, we have to forgive.
Usually, our first inclination is to respond “No way! They don’t deserve it.” How do I truly forgive when I just don’t have
it in my heart? That’s why it is
necessary to understand what forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and how to get to
the place to truly grant it.
Simply put, forgiveness is no longer allowing myself to be
defined by the person who hurt me. That
can be a complicated thing but let me give a couple of simplistic
examples. For various reasons, when I
was a kid I was the victim of bullying.
What I took from that was that I am not only inferior to everyone else,
but I am laughable as a human being.
Those beliefs led to depression and isolation and convictions that I
wasn’t good enough to accomplish anything significant in my life. No one would even want to be my friend and no
girl would ever want to date me. As a
result I lived my life on the sidelines afraid to take risks for relationships
or accomplishments. Another common
example is a parent or teacher who through one way or another gave you the
message that you’re only as worthy as how good your grades were or how
“perfect” you could be. The result was
that you tried to win the approval of others by sacrificing yourself in order
to be “perfect”. Life doesn’t work that
way because you can’t make everyone happy and the person who is most unhappy is
yourself.
The first thing I had to do to begin healing was to
recognize that the bullies were acting out of an unhealthy emotional
place. They needed to put someone down
in order to feel okay about themselves.
That unhealthy place led them to treat me as they did. I also had to realize that in my life I have
also hurt people from my unhealthy places.
This took me to a place of forgiveness as I realized I have needed grace
at times myself. In the second example,
the emotional abuse also came from unhealthy places that the abuser
possessed. Maybe they were abused themselves
and felt powerless. The way they dealt
with it was to show power inappropriately wherever they could. The most important thing is to recognize that
THEIR STUFF IS THEIR STUFF AND I NO
LONGER HAVE TO BELIEVE THE LIES I ACCEPTED ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS. The things they said about you and me
came from scarred places in their lives and had nothing to do with the truth
about you and me. Armed with this truth,
not only can I forgive them (and leave the lies they taught me behind) but I can
also forgive myself since now I understand my own motivations that held me
back. I can embrace a new life based on
the truth of who I am rather than the lies they spewed my way that I allowed to
hold me captive.
As important as it is to know what forgiveness is it is
equally important to know what it is not.
1.
It is not
“forgetting”. “Forgive and forget”
is not wise and is generally a phrase used by the offender to avoid the
consequences of her offense. For
example, if someone steals from you forgiveness means you get that for some
unhealthy reason they committed this act against you but it also is still appropriate
to take precautions to protect your things when they are around, at least until
they show you they are trustworthy again.
More significantly, when you forgive someone who abused you, please set
up appropriate boundaries to keep yourself and your own children safe.
2.
It is not
reconciliation. Forgiveness does not
mean the relationship returns to the way it was before. Again, appropriate boundaries are necessary
to protect your heart until (or if) trust is earned again. Reconciliation involves hard work by both
parties and is sometimes extremely difficult to achieve, whereas you can
forgive independent of what the other person does.
3.
It is not
condoning the behavior. Forgiving in
no way justifies or condones the behavior.
It forgives the person, not their actions.
Forgiveness must come from a healthy place. Being able to let go of the lies learned
about us at the hands of the offender(s) takes work. Forgiving before we are ready is cheap forgiveness
at best and not forgiveness at all at its worst. It will not work. There is a process to get to this place and it
cannot be rushed. However, we want to be
sure we are moving toward this place and not away from it or remaining stagnant. Here is the journey I believe is necessary
before we can authentically forgive.
1.
Grieving. A breach in a relationship, no matter how big
or small, requires grieving. We must
acknowledge what happened and experience the emotions that came as a result. Much has been written about grief and a
Google search will tell you all you need to know about this process. Suffice it to say that the journey can take an
hour or a year depending on the nature of the offence. The main thing is to understand that this
process can’t be short cut or avoided.
We don’t like pain so doing all we can to avoid it is our default
place. Unfortunately, no amount of
alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, or any other addiction will successfully
substitute for sitting in the pain and processing it.
2.
Humility. It is important to realize that at the time the
worst decisions of our lives made sense to us.
Maybe it was due to faulty information, an addiction unsuccessfully corralled,
emotional instability, or all out mental illness but we have all had those
times in our lives. When all is said and
done we can usually look back and
understand the forces that led to the decisions we made. As we needed grace (forgiveness) in those
situations, so the current offender also needs grace and we need grace for
ourselves. It is the realization that
the offender was out of control in some way for some reason. It is out of our own humility that we find
grace and can, in a healthy way, offer forgiveness.
I wish you peace on your journey and offer my help if you
would like it. For more info visit and
like my FB page at www.facebook.com/donfitzsimonslcsw. Video counseling is available. I also welcome your questions or comments on
my FB page. Thanks for reading.
