Authentic Forgiveness

We cannot live this life without being hurt in major and minor ways from time to time.  Whether it is being the recipient of a hurtful comment or facing the tragedy of divorce or even abuse of some kind we all eventually come face to face with the question of forgiveness and how in the world to grant it.  It is important advice that in order to move forward with life, we have to forgive.  Usually, our first inclination is to respond “No way!  They don’t deserve it.”  How do I truly forgive when I just don’t have it in my heart?  That’s why it is necessary to understand what forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and how to get to the place to truly grant it.

Simply put, forgiveness is no longer allowing myself to be defined by the person who hurt me.  That can be a complicated thing but let me give a couple of simplistic examples.  For various reasons, when I was a kid I was the victim of bullying.  What I took from that was that I am not only inferior to everyone else, but I am laughable as a human being.  Those beliefs led to depression and isolation and convictions that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish anything significant in my life.  No one would even want to be my friend and no girl would ever want to date me.  As a result I lived my life on the sidelines afraid to take risks for relationships or accomplishments.  Another common example is a parent or teacher who through one way or another gave you the message that you’re only as worthy as how good your grades were or how “perfect” you could be.  The result was that you tried to win the approval of others by sacrificing yourself in order to be “perfect”.  Life doesn’t work that way because you can’t make everyone happy and the person who is most unhappy is yourself. 

The first thing I had to do to begin healing was to recognize that the bullies were acting out of an unhealthy emotional place.  They needed to put someone down in order to feel okay about themselves.  That unhealthy place led them to treat me as they did.  I also had to realize that in my life I have also hurt people from my unhealthy places.  This took me to a place of forgiveness as I realized I have needed grace at times myself.  In the second example, the emotional abuse also came from unhealthy places that the abuser possessed.  Maybe they were abused themselves and felt powerless.  The way they dealt with it was to show power inappropriately wherever they could.  The most important thing is to recognize that THEIR STUFF IS THEIR STUFF AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO BELIEVE THE LIES I ACCEPTED ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS.  The things they said about you and me came from scarred places in their lives and had nothing to do with the truth about you and me.  Armed with this truth, not only can I forgive them (and leave the lies they taught me behind) but I can also forgive myself since now I understand my own motivations that held me back.  I can embrace a new life based on the truth of who I am rather than the lies they spewed my way that I allowed to hold me captive.

As important as it is to know what forgiveness is it is equally important to know what it is not. 

1.     It is not “forgetting”.  “Forgive and forget” is not wise and is generally a phrase used by the offender to avoid the consequences of her offense.  For example, if someone steals from you forgiveness means you get that for some unhealthy reason they committed this act against you but it also is still appropriate to take precautions to protect your things when they are around, at least until they show you they are trustworthy again.  More significantly, when you forgive someone who abused you, please set up appropriate boundaries to keep yourself and your own children safe.

2.     It is not reconciliation.  Forgiveness does not mean the relationship returns to the way it was before.  Again, appropriate boundaries are necessary to protect your heart until (or if) trust is earned again.  Reconciliation involves hard work by both parties and is sometimes extremely difficult to achieve, whereas you can forgive independent of what the other person does.

3.     It is not condoning the behavior.  Forgiving in no way justifies or condones the behavior.  It forgives the person, not their actions.

Forgiveness must come from a healthy place.  Being able to let go of the lies learned about us at the hands of the offender(s) takes work.  Forgiving before we are ready is cheap forgiveness at best and not forgiveness at all at its worst.  It will not work.  There is a process to get to this place and it cannot be rushed.  However, we want to be sure we are moving toward this place and not away from it or remaining stagnant.  Here is the journey I believe is necessary before we can authentically forgive.

1.     Grieving.  A breach in a relationship, no matter how big or small, requires grieving.  We must acknowledge what happened and experience the emotions that came as a result.  Much has been written about grief and a Google search will tell you all you need to know about this process.  Suffice it to say that the journey can take an hour or a year depending on the nature of the offence.  The main thing is to understand that this process can’t be short cut or avoided.  We don’t like pain so doing all we can to avoid it is our default place.  Unfortunately, no amount of alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, or any other addiction will successfully substitute for sitting in the pain and processing it.

2.     Humility.  It is important to realize that at the time the worst decisions of our lives made sense to us.  Maybe it was due to faulty information, an addiction unsuccessfully corralled, emotional instability, or all out mental illness but we have all had those times in our lives.  When all is said and done we can usually look back and understand the forces that led to the decisions we made.  As we needed grace (forgiveness) in those situations, so the current offender also needs grace and we need grace for ourselves.  It is the realization that the offender was out of control in some way for some reason.  It is out of our own humility that we find grace and can, in a healthy way, offer forgiveness.

I wish you peace on your journey and offer my help if you would like it.  For more info visit and like my FB page at www.facebook.com/donfitzsimonslcsw.  Video counseling is available.  I also welcome your questions or comments on my FB page.  Thanks for reading.