December 06, 2012

 Spirals

I was considering today the rut I've been fighting regarding lack of motivation and how I have been clueless as to what to do about it.  I haven't been working on my book, building my practice, blogging, or journaling.  I wish I could say it is because I've been too busy, but that isn't the problem.  I have plenty of time.  It isn't because I have some unidentified fear holding me back either or that I'm anxious or depressed.  I've been to all those places before so I know how they feel.  So, what has been the problem?  Time for some much needed introspection.

The first thing I had to discover was what had served as my motivation in the past.  I sorted through several possibilities but I finally saw that my push to write usually came from an uneasiness about something that I felt and a desire to sort through it and then express my insights.  I did it mostly for myself just to acknowledge my heart, but also for anyone else who might care to read it and possibly find some encouragement in my words.  I also realized my motivation to counsel people came from a desire to use a gift and passion God has given me and for which I trained extensively.  After really digging in about what was keeping me from living out of my passion for the last month I realized I had begun lying to myself again.  It crept up on me so quietly and slowly that I didn't even know the lies were there.  I had experienced some direct hits from some folks who disagreed with some of the things I had written and I took it too personally.  I began to convince myself that it was just better to keep my thoughts to myself and that began a spiral that eventually led me to lose my passion to share what I felt God was laying on my heart.  The lie I began to believe was "I have nothing valuable to say" which quickly turned to "I have nothing valuable to offer".  The real, underlying issue that crept up in my brain again was the desire to make everybody happy.  That's what it boils down to for most of us isn't it?  Doing this introspective work freed me to apply the tools I teach others and enabled me to interrupt and begin to reverse the spiral.

I am becoming convinced that life is about spirals.  We are either spiraling up or spiraling down.  I'm not sure we can just stay in one place. That's the thing with lies we tell ourselves.  They easily spiral out of control in a downward direction taking us to crippling places.  Lies that produce fear can lead to paranoia which only produces more fear.  Lies that cause anxiety can produce panic which just produces more anxiety.  Depression leads to isolation which increases the depression.  You see the pattern.  Conversely, the truth sets us free to soar to new heights every day.  We would do well to pay attention to our behavior for that is our clue to what we are saying to ourselves.  If we have joy (different from happiness) and life is working we will find truth in what we believe about who we are and who God says we are.  When life isn't working well for us and we are experiencing feelings that are holding us back, let's take the time to find the lie or lies behind it.  We all need to feel we are contributing to our world in significant ways, not to prove our worth, but because we have worth and we are compelled to share it.  Don't let downward spirals rob you of hopes and dreams and the expression of your worth.  It isn't fair to you or to those who love you.  

October 31, 2012

Violating Myself?

So much has been written and discussed about the need to establish healthy boundaries in our lives in order to keep us safe and thriving emotionally, spiritually, and in our conduct.  Boundaries keep us from being walked on, being co-dependent, and taking on things of which we have no control.  They keep us from burnout and model for those around us what healthy self-care looks like.  It is a difficult task to maintain those boundaries when those around us often don’t like them and may try to make us feel guilty for maintaining them.  Nevertheless, it is essential to maintain them and continually assess what boundaries we need in place at any given time and those we may be able to release.  Ongoing assessment also is necessary to establish which boundaries are necessary for each person in our life.  Some boundaries are static but others may come and go depending on where we are in our growth process. 

Boundaries or agreements we have with ourselves are just as important if not more.  All of us have a moral code by which we try to live along with a belief system that guides our conduct.  Situations often arise where we are tempted to violate everything in which we believe for momentary pleasure or escape from emotional pain.  It is true that many times these moral codes and belief systems beg to be examined because they are conflictual in nature and are not working, but it is imperative that work be done examining these internal boundaries before violating them in the heat of temptation. 

In my own journey I went from a very black and white punitive belief system to a very quick transformation to love and grace.  I responded by doing whatever I wanted in this newfound freedom without giving thought to reexamining what personal boundaries needed to stay, those that needed to go, and new ones that needed to be established.  My personal agreement of not wanting to do harm to those I love was replaced with an anything goes lifestyle because I no longer feared punishment and condemnation from God.  The result was decision making that led me down a path of destruction.

Living out temptations that are in conflict with personal beliefs can lead to addictions, affairs, divorce, and interpersonal conflict among other things. The resulting internal shame and guilt will rob us of joy and create a feeling of needing to hide spiritually.  It often leads to depression, anxiety, and downward spins that are so difficult to escape.  Often we feel years of our lives have been wasted as we look back on our path of destruction.  In my experience, if I could do it over again, I would take this newfound belief system of grace and freedom and examine my current internal boundaries and agreements in light of this new path.  I would have discarded some but kept many others that would have prevented the destruction in my life.

My hope is that each of you will avoid the pain I created for myself by taking the time to work on your personal boundaries first and get them to a place of congruency and wholeness before making life-changing decisions that can lead to very destructive places.  This is where counseling or life coaching or even an honest, loving friend is very helpful.  Do the internal work.  It is worth it.

October 2, 2012

Embrace the Pain: Really?

I have a friend who went through a terrible break-up from a man with whom she had a very toxic relationship.  One would think that would bring a sense of relief but, instead, she went through incredible pain that led to depression.  She kept reliving the few good times of the relationship and wondered what she could have done differently to make the relationship last.  Her pain really wasn’t about losing him as much as it was her perception that she had failed again.  She felt scared about being alone and needed the validation that she felt only a man could provide.

She did what most of us would do.  She tried everything in her power to avoid the pain.  She immediately started going to bars to meet men and put her profile on every dating site she could afford.  The resulting dates temporarily made her feel “whole” again.  Eventually, she married one of the men she met without ever grieving the loss of the initial relationship and, therefore, never learned any of the lessons that would have helped her avoid repeating the same mistakes.

It is natural to want to avoid emotional pain.  Just as when we are in physical pain we seek relief as quickly as possible.  However, there is great purpose in sitting with and, yes, even embracing emotional pain.  We can’t stay stuck there but the pain is part of the grieving, learning, and growth process.

If we seek relief before we work through the grief or process what happened we risk making some choices that can have significant negative consequences.  The desire to escape the pain just to get some relief may lead us to feed addictions or get in relationships before we are ready.  In the example I used earlier, my friend sought relief through relationships when what she really wanted deep down was to figure out what went wrong and the part she played in the dysfunction so she didn’t repeat it.  Other people might escape pain through eating, gambling, shopping, pornography, drinking, or any other number of ways to escape without processing through the pain.

My suggestion is to accept that there is going to be a rough season ahead and to stay in that moment to do the work.  Initially, there may just be a period of hurt and sadness.  That’s okay.  Don’t run from it.  Instead, find a trusted friend to talk with, journal your feelings, find a counselor if you get stuck, exercise, nurture your spirituality, and when it is time to move forward you will know.  There is no timetable on this.  Take as much time as you need regardless of what other people may tell you about the importance of moving on.

A word of caution.  Try not to intensify what feelings are naturally present.  Sometimes following a loss it is tempting to play sad songs or pull out other things that may increase your feelings of loss.  A little of that is okay as it helps get feelings out but doing it by yourself with no one to process with will probably only lead to depression.  Embrace the pain.  Share it with trusted friends.  Sit with it and learn what will eventually lead to better and healthy decisions.  You’ll be glad you did.

September 6, 2012

 

Uncovering My Spirituality

I was sitting on my deck, which overlooks a wooded area behind my apartment.  It is a peaceful place and very private and it is where I do my best thinking, writing, and God connecting.  The leaves rustling in the trees and the birds singing help to drown out the noise from the highway not too far away and the hum of air conditioners just below me.  It requires focusing on the God things rather than the man-made noise but I’ve gotten fairly good at it.

One day I was typing away on my writing project when I came to a part where I needed to define spirituality.  No problem.  I’ve been talking about it with clients, hearing about it at church, and debating it with friends for years.  This was the first time, though, that I really had to try and succinctly put it into words.  I realized this required a lot of thought and that, perhaps, I didn’t really know what I believed I knew about it. 

My writing came to a screeching halt as I pondered this for a week.  I really wanted to come up with my own definition based on my experiences and those of the people with whom I have had the privilege to connect over the years.  It took awhile but I finally arrived at my current belief about spirituality.  Are you ready?  Drum roll please!  I believe spirituality is the marriage of our core being with our Creator and his bigger story for creation and my participation on it.  First of all, please forgive the gender specific reference to God.  I did it for ease but fully realize God is not exclusively a male and encompasses all traits, which we tend to identify as either male or female.  My daughter Meredith, who is much more expressive than I, describes spirituality as an alluring, wild adventure in a bigger story than self that results in astonishment!  I love that girl and I love her description as well.  Please know that in no way do I believe either one is THE definition of spirituality or even that it will stay static.  Spirituality is living, breathing and subject to change.  My definition just reflects my belief now…but it is a very strong belief that I think brings consistency from both religious and mental health points of view.

Let me break it down. 

Core being:  This is our true heart, soul, and spirit.  Coming from a Judeo-Christian background, I believe we are all created in the image of God.  That means in our DNA we have his blueprint and it is consistent across the board.  We find in the incarnation of Jesus that God is all about certain things, namely love for others and self, grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, and bringing God’s kingdom to earth.  In fact, if you look at most of the major world religions you will find much consistency in these values.  If people across all cultures and religions can come up with fairly similar lists, that’s a pretty big clue that something significant is going on here.  If religions stopped there and just identified those truths, we would be in a much better place.  Where religion goes wrong is that it places rules and regulations on their interpretation of those truths and those are the things that cause wars.  But, that’s another topic.  The other things that get in the way, of course, are the pain and experiences of life, what we fill our heads with that is contrary to those God values, and the lies we believe about ourselves that have their origins from many different sources (our interpretation of what we have been told by parents, teachers, religious leaders, etc). 

A core part of spirituality, then, is getting healthy in our beliefs about self and God so that original blueprint is the place from which we live our lives, rather than from the distorted truths that come from lies we believe about others and ourselves.  If our goal is to align with God’s in a way that brings heaven to earth, we will reach out to others in love, show them grace and forgiveness, reconcile as much as is safe, and help each other out.  It is when we are out of harmony with this original blueprint that we experience pain in our lives.

 I am aware that it takes only one person or group to refuse to mend a broken relationship but when we substitute love for revenge or hate in response, we bring disharmony to our spirit.  When we cut people off because they’re too “needy” or don’t reach out in love to those different than ourselves, we bring disharmony.  When we insult, denigrate, or act unlovingly toward another human being, whether we personally know them or not, or any part of God’s creation, we bring disharmony to our souls.  Greed, instead of generosity, is also just an empty well.

My challenge for all of us is to uncover the layers of hurt and pain that lead us to live lives that produce attitudes contrary to our original spiritual DNA and to find the passions and gifts God has granted each of us and participate in the bigger story.  It is important to live in our passions and gifts and not someone else’s or what someone else thinks they should be.  We may find temporary happiness in circumstances and events, but true joy comes from living in spiritual harmony with God’s plan for his creation.  You’ll be astonished as you journey through the process of finding God’s footprint in your being and living from that place! 

August 8, 2012

Passionate Living

Passion is the spice of life. It’s the difference between riding a roller coaster and screaming with your hands in the air or holding on for dear life anticipating the end of the ride. It is the joyous anticipation of going out with friend’s verses the dread of wondering if it will be fun or if you will fit in. Imagine trodding through each day caring little about anything. We call that survival and it is not the kind of excitement and joy life is meant to bring.

 
We cut ourselves off from passion for a number of reasons. Maybe we’re afraid of rejection and we live in fear that we won’t be accepted or maybe we try to be loved by trying to make everybody else happy, an impossible task. Perhaps we see our life as a series of failures and have just stopped taking risks. Whatever the reason, if we stop trying to overcome the beliefs that hold us back, we are destined for mundane living. In order to keep going we end up cutting ourselves off from emotion and living depressed or anxious lives.

On the other side of the coin are those of us who live exclusively on passion. We cut off our intellect and just go with wherever our emotions carry us. If we want to shop, we shop regardless of our financial situation. If I want a car I buy it because, after all, I deserve it. Who cares if it is a two-seater convertible and I have a family of four. If I want to have an affair, I will because it feels good and my needs aren’t being met at home anyway. The list is endless.

As always, balance is the key. God gave us minds, emotions, spirituality, and physical aspects to our lives on purpose. They are meant to help us live in harmony and be joyous and productive. My encouragement is to live with passion, which comes from our emotional place, but to balance it with thinking through the positive and negative consequences and checking what we are about to do with our spiritual beliefs and physical constraints. Only when those four aspects are in harmony and congruence will we be able to truly enjoy the adventure without regret.

 

July 12, 2012

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The killers of our relationships

I remember the arguments I heard my neighbor having with his wife (not me, my neighbor). He would approach her and say something like, “The house looks like a tornado went through it. Are you ever going to clean it?” Her response, “Well, I’ve been busy watching the kids and doing laundry and it’s not that big of a deal anyway. Nobody is coming over. Maybe if you would help a little!” He rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever, you never do what you say.” while she grumbles under his breath an unintelligible phrase that sounds something like “control freak.” Sometimes they’d go back and forth for what seemed like hours, while other times it would end fairly quickly. However, it typically ended with both of them retreating and giving each other the silent treatment for a period of time. The longer the silence, the more passive-aggressive acts toward each other occurred. I’m sure you wouldn’t do this but I’ll bet you’ve witnessed your neighbor’s make these exchanges and thanked God that you weren’t like them.

This is an example of unhealthy communication and if it continues will lead to a situation where one or both partners feel unsafe, dread coming home, and even when things are going well, is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you were to begin measuring what your body does in a situation like this you would find that around this person your heart begins to race, your blood pressure elevates, and your adrenaline raises to the point where you cannot effectively solve problems.

 

The good news is that even in the most toxic relationships, repair attempts get made. A repair attempt is simply anything one does to try to improve or mend the situation. In his marriage lab, researcher Jonathon Gottmann identified two components that predict divorce, so if you   notice these in your relationship they must stop immediately.

 

Before we get there though, let’s analyze what went wrong in this exchange. First of all, the husband approached the wife with what Gottmann calls a harsh start-up. Instead of offering to pitch in and help and giving his wife the benefit of the doubt, he immediately approaches with criticism and implied accusation. When approached this way, the typical response is defensiveness to which he responds with eye rolling and both resorting to put-downs. Gottmann refers to this activity (eye rolling and put-downs) as contempt. Contempt is doing anything that is designed to make the other person look inferior or even stupid. When treated this way the argument typically escalates until stonewalling occurs and the silent treatment begins. Well, it is silent until someone thinks of another barb that can be thrown or some little way they can passive-aggressively get back at their partner. Gottmann refers to criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” and it usually will lead to the end of a marriage or, at least, a volatile and unhappy union.

The good news is that at any point in this exchange either partner can take a deep breath and make a repair attempt. A repair can be an apology for their part in the argument, an acknowledgement that anger is escalating along with an appeal for both to calm down, take a break, and try again in an hour, a hug out of nowhere, etc. In healthy relationships with the right timing, these attempts work.

Back to the two things that you must not allow yourself to do in a happy marriage; contempt and refusing a repair attempt. Communication styles where these are present are huge predictors of divorce. As a matter of fact, in happy marriages there were absolutely no incidences of contempt observed.

 

Now it isn’t fair of me to mention that all it takes to achieve a happy marriage is to just quit doing some things and start doing others without acknowledging that we all have baggage from out past that lead to our harshnish, defensiveness, assaults of contempt and stonewalling. That is why in marriage counseling the therapist may want you to work on your individual issues first or refer you to a seminar like “Breakthrough” before actually tackling the marriage relationship itself.

 

I encourage you to examine where you are in this communication cycle and if you are struggling to make it work in healthy ways, please contact me for help.   dfitzsimonslscsw@gmail.com

  June 25, 2012

Communication At Its Best

It is Monday morning and you have just dragged yourself out of bed to go to work.  You walk through the front door and the first person you see is your boss who greets you with, “That project you turned in on Friday was a mess!  You are to do nothing else until you get it right.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hired you!”  Imagine the feelings that come over you…shame, frustration, surprise, depression, guilt or a host of other emotions depending on who you are.  You may not even realize you have any of those feelings before you go straight to anger.  Not exactly the most inspiring boss for whom to work, is it?  In fact, thoughts of revenge may begin to creep in your head and you may even respond internally with “I’ll show her!”  At the very least, you are probably not going to feel inspired to work real hard for her or to want to hang out together on a Friday night. 

None of us want to be treated this way, yet we often talk to those we care about the most in this manner.  “Honey, you didn’t take out the trash, AGAIN!” or “You can do better than that.  Don’t be so lazy!”  You get the picture.  Then we wonder why our spouses do the minimum, if that, or why our children want to stay away from us.  It is for the same reasons you would not want to be with the boss mentioned in the first paragraph.

Now think about what it would be like to have a supervisor who first said, “Hi!  How was your weekend?  When you get a minute, I’d like to talk with you about the project you turned in Friday.  There are a few things we need to fine tune.”  That kind of respect encourages people to want to do their best and even go beyond what is required.  So, in the spirit of Biblical challenges of fathers not exasperating their children, husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and submitting to one another, let’s look at some of the components of healthy communication that are key to relationships such as these.

In his book, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, the late Stephen Glenn identified five “builders” to healthy communication.  Improvement in these areas will go far in improving any relationship in which you may be a part. 

1. Check instead of assume.  Many times we assume somebody knows something, places the same importance on it, or understands it in the same way we do.  For example, if I assume that my son had plenty of time to get the lawn mowed while I was at the store, I may be tempted to immediately confront him upon my return.  If, instead, I take the time to check it out first, I may find out that grandma called and he didn’t want to be rude and not talk or that he couldn’t get the lawn mower started.  Whatever the reason, checking things out puts both of us in a better position to solve the problem and get the task accomplished.  Assuming that my significant other was wrong when we miscommunicate or something doesn’t go as planned just leads to an argument and a stalemate.  Instead, check out what the other person understood and their perceptions.  You are likely to have an “aha” moment as you realize where the communication breakdown occurred.
2. Explore instead of rescuing or explaining.  If Susie is planning to go to camp, instead of making the list of what she needs to take with her, sit down together and explore her perception of what she’ll need.  Fill in what’s missing by asking something like, ‘Have you thought about how cold it may get at night?  What will you need for that?”  With our most important relationships, this technique causes people to feel empowered rather than looked down upon.
3. Encourage and invite instead of directing.  Instead of leaving a list for your spouse to complete while your gone, consider saying something like, “Honey I have an incredibly busy day and I’m worried I won’t be able to get (laundry, dinner, groceries, cleaning, etc) done.  I would really appreciate anything you could do to help.
4. Celebrate progress instead of perfection.  If  your son made a D in chemistry first quarter and makes a C second quarter, remember to celebrate the progress rather than point out he could have made a B.  After acknowledging the progress, talk with him about what ideas he has to help him keep improving.  Notice and celebrate the healthy progress in the lives of those we love.
5. Respect instead of ___isming.  You’ve heard adultisms before.  They sound like, “How come you never…, You should have known…, You’re grounded for the rest of your life…, etc.  Respect involves sitting down with the person, gaining their perspective and reaching decisions together.  Each person’s ideas are equally important.

Healthy communication takes more time initially, but pays big dividends in the long run.  As you try to improve remember to celebrate your progress, and give up that picture of perfection.  You are aiming for about 70% proficiency.  You will never reach 100% so be careful not to measure yourself by that standard.  It is also necessary to realize that sometimes there are things in our lives that influence us heavily to show power or be degrading to others.  If you find yourself stuck in a destructive communication pattern and can’t seem to make progress to healthier interactions, it is time to seek outside help.

June 15, 2012

The Dirty Dozen of Communication

It is always important to know what we could be doing to increase our effectiveness in dealing with our loved ones, as well as, those with whom we come in contact on a regular basis.  Equally essential is an ability to identify those things which are detrimental to our relationships.  In his book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, Stephen Glenn lists twelve common things we do that hurt those around us, whether they be our children, spouses, friends or acquaintances.  If we can learn to avoid these communication styles, we can dramatically improve our relationships.

Showing Power- Consider how you feel when someone uses their authority to force you to do something.  Time is not taken to explain why it needs to be done or how it will help.  Or remember when your parents said “Don’t do as I do, do as I say!”  Those are examples of showing power and they tend to lead the recipient to feel rebellious and unmotivated.  Your position in life may be such that you are in charge, and you may have every right to force people to do things, but using that as a motivator is very ineffective.  Do it with children and they will most likely grow up fearful or rebellious.  Do it with significant others and you will end up with resentment and contempt.

“You” messages – “You didn’t…” or “It’s your fault” are examples of this communication style.  It is simply blaming, leads the recipient to become frustrated for not being heard, and creates an inability on our part to see how we are contributing to the problem.  If we can’t see our contribution to the problem there is no way for relationship or personal growth to occur.

Advising – Nobody wants to be given advice until they are ready to hear it. To give it to an unwilling recipient can cause them to believe that you do not have enough faith in them to work the problem through on their own.  That can feel like a real put-down.  Remember, when you advise you decide to own the problem for the person and become responsible for the outcome.  If you must give your two cents, ask the recipient first if they want it.

Lecturing - I’ve never heard of a situation where someone has walked up to another person and said, “Please tell me off.  I really need to hear all the things I’ve done wrong.”  Lecturing someone rarely causes them to change behavior for reasons other than fear.  Those kinds of behavior changes generally are not long lasting and lead to distance and resentment in children and adults.

Judging – My counseling schedule is filled with people who are hiding who they really are for fear of being judged.  To be judged causes one to feel like an outcast and results in loneliness and isolation.  It is what causes people to not feel safe to share how they really feel or with what they are struggling in your presence.

Nonspecific Praise – If you have ever experienced someone who walked around telling you how wonderful you are without being specific about what it is that you did that was so helpful, you realize how meaningless this type of praise becomes, especially when you see this person saying “you’re great and wonderful” to everyone they know.  Eventually, it even can become annoying.  Phrases like, “It was really helpful to me that you mowed the lawn because I was really tired today” or “I really trust you because you listened to me and didn’t judge” have much more impact.

Name calling – “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a popular saying when I was a kid.  The truth is that this phrase is one big lie.  Almost all of the people I see for counseling have been wounded verbally at some point in their lives.  Those wounds do not heal easily and they can affect someone his/her entire life.  For example, I just spoke with a teenager last week who told me his parents repeatedly said that he would never amount to anything and that he was worthless.  They did not really believe what they were saying but they, unfortunately, didn’t keep a reign on their tongues when they were angry.  Consequently, this teen is struggling with motivation to even try to succeed in school.  He has come to believe that what they said is true.  It is important not to label someone based on only the mistakes they make or the things they do with which we disagree.  Focus on the good and celebrate progress and communication and motivation will improve.  Those put downs in an adult relationship are equally as destructive.

Ridiculing – Junior highs and middle schools are the hotbeds of ridicule.  If you’re different in any way, you will be the brunt of harsh joking and/or bullying.  The result is an erosion of a person’s self-respect.  It is bad enough when peers use this tactic, but if it comes from a parent, teacher, youth pastor or sibling, the effects are even more devastating.  Suffering this kind of abuse on a regular basis causes one to withdraw from those she thought were supposed to be her supporters.  Loneliness and depression often take the place of God’s joy.  Believing the messages heard over time also makes one want to hide from God because feelings of shame and unworthiness.  When we do this is our adult relationships, trust is eroded very quickly.

Interpreting – I remember giving my daughter something to read one night and then proceeded to tell her what it meant.  In frustration she said to me, “Dad I think I can figure this out myself.” (eye roll included, of course).  The underlying message of my interpreting tha piece of paper for her was “I don’t believe you’re smart enough to figure this out so I’d better explain it.”  It would have been much more effective if I would have let her read it and then asked, “What’s your understanding of this so I know what you think.”  This would have shown her that her opinion was equal to mine while, at the same time, respectfully checking to make sure she understood.  Interpreting for our significant others is a one-up put down and is very damaging.

Giving false reassurance – Walking up to someone in New Orleans who was wading through sewage to find dry land after they had lost everything in hurricane Katrina, including possibly their loved ones and saying, “Don’t worry, it will all be okay” would have been no comfort at all.  In fact, it would have shown an incredible lack of sensitivity for their pain and struggle and would have presented as very uncaring.  Many of us have lost loved ones and were in the midst of extreme grief when someone uttered empty words similar to the example above.  Not only did they not comfort, but you may have thought something like, “Be quiet.  You have no idea how I feel”.  More effective communication would be, “I have no idea the depth of pain you are experiencing, but I want you to know I’m here to walk through this with you.”  THEN ACTUALLY DO IT!  You can call them, take them out, and help them talk.  This is love in action.  The cop out is, “Let me know if you need anything”.

Attacking – This tactic involves anything we do to put down, discredit or try to prove someone wrong.  The response is usually defensiveness and an argument.  A much more effective approach is to seek understanding first.  The message then becomes one of respect and a feeling of safety within the relationship is affected.

Avoiding – Another approach that really kills relationships is avoiding.  You know someone wants to talk with you about something so you respond by changing the subject, walking away, being unavailable or a host of other tactics designed to allow you to escape dealing with the issue.  A much more effective approach would be to let the person know you’re not ready to talk yet, but then set a time when you will address the problem.  Then work to get to the place where you are ready to discuss it at the time agreed upon.

June 8, 2012

The Art of Disciplining Our Children

If you read my previous posts on parenting you know the importance I place on processing life’s events with our kids.  Often in the name of expediency we end up resorting to less effective methods of teaching, especially when it comes to discipline.  This often results in doing things to kids (using our power as adults to force them to do what we want), or for kids (because it is just easier to do it myself), rather than with kids (where we work with them to help them understand how life works, messes and all).

 

Before I get too far into this, let’s go back to our analogy about working for someone.  How do you feel when your boss exerts power to get things done her way threatening to fire you every time you come up short?  That usually does not result in feeling good about work and often results in passive-aggressive activity as a way to retaliate.  There is no way I would feel safe to talk to a boss about any concern I might have who treated me like that.  Did any of you go to a school that used spankings or a ruler across the knuckles to get compliance?  It may have worked because it induced fear but chances are those weren’t your favorite teachers.  You probably remember the spanking but may or may not remember at all why you got it.  How about someone hiring you but instead of letting you do your job, they just couldn’t let it go and ended up always doing it for you.  The hidden message is “I don’t believe in you enough to do this so I’ll do it for you.”  Fulfilling?  Make you feel competent?  Inspire you to grow?  I think not.  Kids feel the same way.

Consider, instead, how it feels to work in an environment where you are given an assignment and you are actually trusted to do it?  If it’s over your head you know it is safe to ask for guidance.  If you do it but it isn’t quite right, instead of being threatened or punished, the boss sits down with you and asks your perception of what went wrong and what went right and considers your ideas to make it better.  If she thinks of things you haven’t, she doesn’t insult you but, instead, asks you to consider her ideas and asks for your feedback.  Wow!  Now that is empowering and makes you feel important and valued.

It is important to note here that the expedient solutions often appear to work.  The fear that power produces in the child often results in compliance but over time, but what generally happens is that when they are not afraid any more or when that guidance is no longer there limits get pushed or trampled.  Spankings and sticker charts may teach what not to do but they do not teach what to do and in their absence often leaves kids believing that obedience is necessary only if they fear getting caught or can get some reward.  It may also teach that to get what they want in human relationships they need to try and control the other person or only do things beneficial to others if they see some reward in it for them.  These methods by themselves do not teach kids to internalize what you would like them to learn.  Instead, they teach the dependence on outside circumstances to determine their course of action.  My hope is that if you rely on these methods, you would at least add the processing piece to help your children internalize the lesson.  Doing things for kids frequently gives the message that you do not believe in their ability to do something well.  If I get frustrated and yell at them for not cleaning their room and out of frustration clean it for them, I inadvertently teach that I believe they are incompetent and if they just wait me out, they won’t have to do what they don’t want to do.  All they have to do is wait out the yelling.

So, again, even in disciplining I advocate processing that looks something like this:

1. 1.  What happened?  Have them verbally acknowledge what they did and their perspective of why they did it.What is our rule about that and why do we have it?  This, of course, assumes that you have been clear about the rules.  If they say “I don’t know” feel free to say that it wouldn’t be wise to continue playing, driving, etc. until you figure that out.  They’ll eventually come to you with something.  It is important here for the parent to refrain from rescuing the child by providing the answer.  The next one to speak owns the problem.

3. 2.  Since you decided to break our agreement what do you think is a reasonable consequence?  Often kids are harder on themselves than you would be but if they try to scrape by with too little, just say you’re not comfortable with that because you’re not sure it is enough to help them remember to make the appropriate decision next time.  You may offer your suggestions as to what you think would be fair and the bottom line is the final decision is yours.

4.  3.  Now that we’ve talked this through, what will you do differently next time?

     4.  If you choose to break this agreement in the future, let’s decide now what the consequence will be.  Doing this can prevent the yelling in the future which leads us to say things we regret.

     Remember, the four “R”s of consequences as espoused by Dr. Stephen Glenn.  Keep them related (If they watched TV too long, take away the TV privilege for a while.  If you take everything away all at once what happens if they break another rule during the consequence?), reasonable (not too long and not too short. Age is a big factor here), respectful (done with, not to or for), revealed (the expectations should be clear and known in advance as much as possible).

May 31, 2012

The Basics of Parenting and Other Relationships (Part 2)

The Four Skills

 

Last week I wrote about the three perceptions kids need to lead healthy and productive lives and challenged us to think about how we would want to be treated by our employers when deciding how to relate to our children. This week I want to address the four skills we want our children to master as they go through life. Please realize that what I am writing is bare bones. This is ideally a 27 hour course or, at its shortest a weekend seminar. So feel free to write or call or post on my FB page if you have questions, comments, or would like clarification on something.

 

Skill 1: I know myself

The ability to be introspective is key to lifetime growth. Understanding why I do what I do helps me have that internal congruency that I have mentioned as key in other posts. Admittedly, even as adults, most of us struggle with this one. So, how do we teach it? This is where parenting takes time and isn’t expedient. It involves helping kids develop an internal locus of control which says, “I am in control of my destiny, not at the mercy of circumstances or someone else’s expectations.” Key to this skill is processing events with our kids rather than telling them what we want them to know or simply imposing our will on them to get them to be obedient. This is why I am opposed to things like behavior charts and reward systems. They promote an external locus of control where kids see the necessity of needing someone to be their policeman. The long-term risk of that is that when the authority figure isn’t there, the rules get broken because they have never internalized the importance of the rule. So here is the tool: process the event with the child rather than preach or yell at them.        

         Example:

Two siblings fighting. Our tendency is to just send them to their room, which isn’t a bad strategy for a cooling off period, but follow it up by asking them what happened, what caused that to happen, why was it important to you to handle it this way, how do you think the other person felt when you said/did that, how do you like to feel when people talk to you, now that you know how you want to be treated, how will you want to handle this in the future. Okay, now that you’ve decided this, what do you think your consequence should be in the future if you treat someone like this again. Formulate the questions in your words and at the child’s level. The point is that it places the responsibility on them and helps them internalize the point. By the way parents, you want to model this with each other too. If kids hear you using victim language for your own circumstances, they will pick up the same habit. I will refer to this processing exercise several times so I have highlighted it for future reference.

 

Skill 2: Get along with others.

Empathy is the key here. Teaching and modeling how it might feel to be in another person’s shoes even if we have never been there ourselves helps with this. Judgmental and black and white thinking will thwart this effort. If your kids hear you gossiping or putting someone down, that won’t go well either. In their own lives when having trouble getting along with someone else, use variations of the processing questions to help them see there is almost always something they can do to improve the situation. What are some healthy ways to handle it?

 

Skill 3: Know how to act appropriately in different settings

Even been to a store and see kids running around unattended, screaming, and yelling? Or how about doing that in your house where you just know disaster is about to strike? Instead of screaming, yelling, shaming, and/or punishing, I suggest being more effective by once again using appropriate processing questions to help them discover why it is important to act certain ways in certain settings. And it can’t be “because I told you so”. Think it through. Why is it important and, again, make sure you model what you are teaching.

 

Skill 4: Make healthy decisions when you aren’t around.

This is when good modeling on your part is so important. If kids see you doing what you are trying to teach them what not to do, you lose credibility. Process with them what they want in their lives, what might stand in their way (bad peer influences perhaps, drugs, not doing their best, etc.) and what will help them succeed. What happens when you make bad decisions just because you think you can get away with it? What are the consequences? And, if you do make an unhealthy choice, what can you do to get back on your path?

 

Again, doesn’t a good employer process things through with you, believe in your ability to come up with solutions? How do you feel when they just bark orders at you or worse tell you do something as you watch them do the opposite? Your kids feel the same as do your significant others. This is really about how to communicate in healthy ways. It’s just that kids need to be included in this kind of discourse.      

      May 24, 2012 

The Basics of Parenting and Other Relationships.

(Part 1 of many)

Much has been written about parenting over the years. I've done it, lived it, studied it, been trained in it, and even presented weekend seminars about it. The conclusions I have drawn are that most things about how to raise kids can be answered by asking myself, “How would I want my boss to treat me?”

Think about it. Most of us have worked for somebody before. We have had supervisors who we really respected and others who we, for lack of a better term, hated. The interesting thing is that we struggle separating what a superior does from who they are. If I hate the way I’m treated, I generally will dislike you. If you treat me well and respect my work, I will like you. Kids are the same way. They can grow up loving or hating their parents based on the way they feel about how they are treated. Just as you would rebel against or even leave a ruthless boss or company if treated unfairly, kids will do the same to their parents. Treated respectfully and as if you are valued, you become loyal and never want to leave, many times even in the face of better job offers.

So, for whom do you like to work? Generally, it starts with someone’s attitude. You can tell when your boss has gone to a seminar and learned a new technique only to later replace it when the next seminar rolls around or get tired of implementing something. Someone, though, who genuinely values their employees and is on their side and wants what is best for them will not be swayed by gadgety (I’m told that isn’t a word but I decided to christen it anyway) techniques designed to increase production. Similarly, parenting has to start with love and a genuine like for our children. We strive to be on their side and don’t see them as a burden or hassle. How does it feel when your company sees you as a burden or hassle? Chances are if they do you hate going to work.

Generally, we want to work for people who give us the following three messages. In my next post I will identify four skills our kids need to learn as well and that are also practiced by well-respected employers. Dr. H. Stephen Glenn outlines these messages this way and refers to them as necessary perceptions we must have to succeed. Bosses and parents usually have happy and successful results when they focus on the following things:

1. Create opportunities for people to know you believe them to be capable. How does it feel to be told or treated like, “You can’t do this” over and over? You must have my help to figure everything out or, never mind, I’ll just do it myself. Or, how do you feel to work on something only to have it not be “good enough” and have someone redo it for you? Kids hate it too!
2. Create opportunities for people to know you believe they are significant. Have you ever served on a committee where you realized the decision had already been made and the work you are exerting is going to count for nothing? Frustrating isn’t it? Our kids don’t like being asked their opinions either when they know it won’t matter. Better not to even ask than to ask and ignore. Even better to choose some areas where they truly can have input into family life and contribute in meaningful ways.
3. Create opportunities for people to know they have influence. If you have an idea, an effective boss will listen with genuine interest and may even implement your offering. That makes us feel amazing! Likewise, our children need to feel if they come to you, they won’t control you, but you will genuinely listen to and discuss their ideas and really consider them.

Notice how these principles can strengthen marriages and friendships in addition to parent-child and employer-employee relationships. Enough for now. My next several posts will be continuations on the theme of parenting. There is much, much more to present. Stay tuned and let me know if I can be of help. Call or message me if you have questions. Folks, I’m still in the business of video counseling and I can help you turn bad situations into good. Let me know.