April 17, 2012

Self Respect Impacts Self Esteem

Last week I wrote about the importance of deriving our self esteem from the belief that I am part of a bigger story and that my chapters are very important to me and those around me. No matter how much someone may tell me I have nothing to contribute or that my verses don’t matter, I have to accept that what I have to contribute is valuable and is independent of however much praise I do or do not receive.

As true as that is, there is another phenomenon at work that seeks to rob us of the belief that we are valuable, capable, and have influence over our lives. As much as I would like to wave a magic wand over all of us and convince us that we are valuable no matter what others tell us or the mistakes we’ve made, our humanity won’t seem to let us escape very easily tying our worth to our performance and decisions.

This is where self –respect comes in and why it is so important. We want, as much as possible, to be proud of the decisions we make; how we handle relationships, conflict, habits, what we do when no one else is looking, etc. so we aren’t having to constantly battle the feelings of failure that often accompany those times we feel we let ourselves down. While self –respect is different than self-esteem it is undeniable that the two are closely linked. It is hard to believe my life is meaningful and I have a lot to contribute to my world if I am making decisions of which I am not proud. It is a powerful lie to tie one to the other but it is that very power that makes it so hard to separate the two. Therefore, it is important to try to live our lives as closely to what is honorable as we can. Taking the high road of forgiveness, for example, may be counterintuitive to everything we are feeling in the moment, but holding grudges will eventually wear on us in very destructive ways. Similarly, if fear is holding us back from something we really want to do then every time we are confronted with the possibility of doing it but, instead, give into the fear, it eats away at our self-respect a little more.

In a perfect world, self-respect and self-esteem would not be intertwined, but in reality, unfortunately, they almost always are. I encourage all of us to live a life of which we are proud and if there is something holding you back call me.  I can help. This is how to truly move to the next level. Click here to comment on my FB page

April 12, 2012

Understanding Self Esteem

Most of my career I worked in the school system as a clinical social worker and teachers, counselors, principals, and everybody else focused on building a child’s self-esteem while avoiding anything that they perceived might damage it. At the elementary level this meant smiley faces on papers and pizza parties for good behavior and telling everyone how wonderful they were with no explanation as to what made them special. Phrases like “good job” or “you are special” were thrown around and people made a lot of money producing stickers that said the same. The stickers were pasted on papers that hung on refrigerator doors at home and stuck on shirts leaving that dark sticky residue that, mostly moms, struggled to remove from the fabric. Yet, in spite of these efforts, school performance didn’t increase, bad behavior didn’t decrease, and the drop-out rate continued to be a struggle and still does to this day. Why is that?

I believe society has a fundamental misunderstanding of self-esteem and, consequently, goes at developing it the wrong way. After all, you can only hear generic flowery comments about yourself for so long before they begin to lose their meaning and you realize the person spewing them probably just has a need to be liked and they believe by telling someone how special they are over and over with nothing to back it up somehow accomplishes this task. So what is the answer?

 

First of all, it is imperative to understand that self-esteem can’t be earned or given but it is something that must be believed on faith. I have to believe that I matter just because I am, not because of what I am told or what I have accomplished. I am created for a reason with a purpose to contribute to a bigger story of mankind and creation. My life isn’t about just doing things that make me feel good, though those things are important spices, just not the main course. Rather it is about finding my gifts and purpose and to contribute meaningfully to society. The late Dr. Steven Glenn identifies three beliefs that must be adopted in our belief system and passed on to others.

1. That I am capable
2. That I have influence over my life and the world around me
3. That I am significant

Those beliefs cannot be adopted by depending on someone else to give us the “you’re great” mantra. They must be accepted by each of us and incorporated in the way we live our lives and modeled and taught for our children so they do not come to believe that in order to feel good about themselves they have to depend on pleasing others to get the medicine they need. If the foundation is laid of living life for purpose and that my gifts are necessary to make the world a better place then I have meaning. When I understand that if I squander my gifts out of fear or momentary pleasure that it not only costs me but it also costs my circle of influence in the world, then I will get my worth and have healthy self-esteem. Smiley faces become reminders of but not the foundation of our worth. 

 

Next week I will address self –respect, a different animal entirely, but ties very closely to self-esteem. Until then, I challenge each of us to discover the purpose that brings us life, not to prove our worth, but to express it.