December 06, 2012

 Spirals

I was considering today the rut I've been fighting regarding lack of motivation and how I have been clueless as to what to do about it.  I haven't been working on my book, building my practice, blogging, or journaling.  I wish I could say it is because I've been too busy, but that isn't the problem.  I have plenty of time.  It isn't because I have some unidentified fear holding me back either or that I'm anxious or depressed.  I've been to all those places before so I know how they feel.  So, what has been the problem?  Time for some much needed introspection.

The first thing I had to discover was what had served as my motivation in the past.  I sorted through several possibilities but I finally saw that my push to write usually came from an uneasiness about something that I felt and a desire to sort through it and then express my insights.  I did it mostly for myself just to acknowledge my heart, but also for anyone else who might care to read it and possibly find some encouragement in my words.  I also realized my motivation to counsel people came from a desire to use a gift and passion God has given me and for which I trained extensively.  After really digging in about what was keeping me from living out of my passion for the last month I realized I had begun lying to myself again.  It crept up on me so quietly and slowly that I didn't even know the lies were there.  I had experienced some direct hits from some folks who disagreed with some of the things I had written and I took it too personally.  I began to convince myself that it was just better to keep my thoughts to myself and that began a spiral that eventually led me to lose my passion to share what I felt God was laying on my heart.  The lie I began to believe was "I have nothing valuable to say" which quickly turned to "I have nothing valuable to offer".  The real, underlying issue that crept up in my brain again was the desire to make everybody happy.  That's what it boils down to for most of us isn't it?  Doing this introspective work freed me to apply the tools I teach others and enabled me to interrupt and begin to reverse the spiral.

I am becoming convinced that life is about spirals.  We are either spiraling up or spiraling down.  I'm not sure we can just stay in one place. That's the thing with lies we tell ourselves.  They easily spiral out of control in a downward direction taking us to crippling places.  Lies that produce fear can lead to paranoia which only produces more fear.  Lies that cause anxiety can produce panic which just produces more anxiety.  Depression leads to isolation which increases the depression.  You see the pattern.  Conversely, the truth sets us free to soar to new heights every day.  We would do well to pay attention to our behavior for that is our clue to what we are saying to ourselves.  If we have joy (different from happiness) and life is working we will find truth in what we believe about who we are and who God says we are.  When life isn't working well for us and we are experiencing feelings that are holding us back, let's take the time to find the lie or lies behind it.  We all need to feel we are contributing to our world in significant ways, not to prove our worth, but because we have worth and we are compelled to share it.  Don't let downward spirals rob you of hopes and dreams and the expression of your worth.  It isn't fair to you or to those who love you.