October 31, 2012

Violating Myself?

So much has been written and discussed about the need to establish healthy boundaries in our lives in order to keep us safe and thriving emotionally, spiritually, and in our conduct.  Boundaries keep us from being walked on, being co-dependent, and taking on things of which we have no control.  They keep us from burnout and model for those around us what healthy self-care looks like.  It is a difficult task to maintain those boundaries when those around us often don’t like them and may try to make us feel guilty for maintaining them.  Nevertheless, it is essential to maintain them and continually assess what boundaries we need in place at any given time and those we may be able to release.  Ongoing assessment also is necessary to establish which boundaries are necessary for each person in our life.  Some boundaries are static but others may come and go depending on where we are in our growth process. 

Boundaries or agreements we have with ourselves are just as important if not more.  All of us have a moral code by which we try to live along with a belief system that guides our conduct.  Situations often arise where we are tempted to violate everything in which we believe for momentary pleasure or escape from emotional pain.  It is true that many times these moral codes and belief systems beg to be examined because they are conflictual in nature and are not working, but it is imperative that work be done examining these internal boundaries before violating them in the heat of temptation. 

In my own journey I went from a very black and white punitive belief system to a very quick transformation to love and grace.  I responded by doing whatever I wanted in this newfound freedom without giving thought to reexamining what personal boundaries needed to stay, those that needed to go, and new ones that needed to be established.  My personal agreement of not wanting to do harm to those I love was replaced with an anything goes lifestyle because I no longer feared punishment and condemnation from God.  The result was decision making that led me down a path of destruction.

Living out temptations that are in conflict with personal beliefs can lead to addictions, affairs, divorce, and interpersonal conflict among other things. The resulting internal shame and guilt will rob us of joy and create a feeling of needing to hide spiritually.  It often leads to depression, anxiety, and downward spins that are so difficult to escape.  Often we feel years of our lives have been wasted as we look back on our path of destruction.  In my experience, if I could do it over again, I would take this newfound belief system of grace and freedom and examine my current internal boundaries and agreements in light of this new path.  I would have discarded some but kept many others that would have prevented the destruction in my life.

My hope is that each of you will avoid the pain I created for myself by taking the time to work on your personal boundaries first and get them to a place of congruency and wholeness before making life-changing decisions that can lead to very destructive places.  This is where counseling or life coaching or even an honest, loving friend is very helpful.  Do the internal work.  It is worth it.