October 2, 2012

Embrace the Pain: Really?

I have a friend who went through a terrible break-up from a man with whom she had a very toxic relationship.  One would think that would bring a sense of relief but, instead, she went through incredible pain that led to depression.  She kept reliving the few good times of the relationship and wondered what she could have done differently to make the relationship last.  Her pain really wasn’t about losing him as much as it was her perception that she had failed again.  She felt scared about being alone and needed the validation that she felt only a man could provide.

She did what most of us would do.  She tried everything in her power to avoid the pain.  She immediately started going to bars to meet men and put her profile on every dating site she could afford.  The resulting dates temporarily made her feel “whole” again.  Eventually, she married one of the men she met without ever grieving the loss of the initial relationship and, therefore, never learned any of the lessons that would have helped her avoid repeating the same mistakes.

It is natural to want to avoid emotional pain.  Just as when we are in physical pain we seek relief as quickly as possible.  However, there is great purpose in sitting with and, yes, even embracing emotional pain.  We can’t stay stuck there but the pain is part of the grieving, learning, and growth process.

If we seek relief before we work through the grief or process what happened we risk making some choices that can have significant negative consequences.  The desire to escape the pain just to get some relief may lead us to feed addictions or get in relationships before we are ready.  In the example I used earlier, my friend sought relief through relationships when what she really wanted deep down was to figure out what went wrong and the part she played in the dysfunction so she didn’t repeat it.  Other people might escape pain through eating, gambling, shopping, pornography, drinking, or any other number of ways to escape without processing through the pain.

My suggestion is to accept that there is going to be a rough season ahead and to stay in that moment to do the work.  Initially, there may just be a period of hurt and sadness.  That’s okay.  Don’t run from it.  Instead, find a trusted friend to talk with, journal your feelings, find a counselor if you get stuck, exercise, nurture your spirituality, and when it is time to move forward you will know.  There is no timetable on this.  Take as much time as you need regardless of what other people may tell you about the importance of moving on.

A word of caution.  Try not to intensify what feelings are naturally present.  Sometimes following a loss it is tempting to play sad songs or pull out other things that may increase your feelings of loss.  A little of that is okay as it helps get feelings out but doing it by yourself with no one to process with will probably only lead to depression.  Embrace the pain.  Share it with trusted friends.  Sit with it and learn what will eventually lead to better and healthy decisions.  You’ll be glad you did.