April 3, 2012  

Forgiving Is Different Than Reconciling

Do you ever struggle to overcome something that you know is bad for you? Maybe it is eating habits, an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or sex, or an anger problem that can sometimes become abusive. Try as you might you just can’t seem to get it under control and the damage you do to yourself and others just continues. You want to stop but don’t know how and feelings of defeat permeate your very being.

When I consider the things with which I struggle I can look back and even come up with a good explanation about how I came to fight against those things which seem to control me. I might be able to look at my childhood or how I did something that leads me to feel unworthy for which I just can’t forgive myself. There are many reasons, but even though I may have an understanding of why I got to be as I am, it doesn’t change my struggle.

My belief is that this is the reason forgiving others when they hurt me is so important. It is because I need forgiveness for my own faults that have resulted in hurting others either intentionally or unintentionally. I also need to be able to learn to forgive myself so I can continue to grow and improve rather than beat myself up for my shortcomings, which only leads to feelings of defeat and brokenness. If I have no empathy for how others struggle with their hurts and behaviors, I can have no true grace for myself.

I used to have a client who grew up in an abusive home, both sexual and physical. It took a while to get there but she eventually had to understand the pain in her perpetrators life to forgive herself for her own shortcomings. It is important to understand that forgiveness is not excusing the behavior or saying it was okay or that I caused it. It is merely acknowledging the struggle in someone else’s life that they have not yet conquered for one reason or another. It is recognizing that pain inflicted on someone else might be the result of unresolved hurt in his or her life, a trigger spun out of control, or even a misunderstanding on my part. As I realize this, I conclude that the amount of forgiveness I can extend to others is proportional to the amount of forgiveness I can extend to myself.

Of course, another reason to forgive is so the event or events that hurt us so badly no longer define who we are. It helps us move from being a victim to being a survivor to being a thriver. It helps us break the cycle of repeating the same mistakes we had perpetrated against us and looses us from the chains that hold us back. Forgiveness allows us to say “I am no longer going to think of myself as…” and releases us to become what we previously never thought we could.

Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as reconciliation. I may forgive someone for what they have done to me while still deciding that to be in relationship with that person is dangerous and toxic. The client I mentioned earlier may forgive her perpetrator but would be unwise to continue to be in relationship with him, or at least not put significant boundaries around the relationship. She certainly wouldn’t let him babysit her children! This is why I hold the unpopular belief that unconditional love can be unhealthy and even dangerous and should not even be our goal. To have no conditions on how we are treated shows no respect for ourselves or those around us who also may be experiencing hurt at the hands of someone. Only God has the capacity to love in that way.

I challenge you to forgive openly and freely those who hurt you so that you can also forgive yourself. I also challenge you to put healthy boundaries in places where reconciliation is being considered.