March 5, 2012

A Discussion Gone Bad

Therapists aren't perfect either you know.  I made a mistake last night and I wonder if anyone else has encountered a similar situation.  I was asked a question by someone who I love very much and is very important to me.  Apparently I hesitated in my response and I was asked why I did that.  All that came to mind was my commitment to living and communicating honestly and authentically so I tried very carefully to share my perceptions even though I was pretty certain it would not turn out well.  I was on the spot and I didn’t know what to do.  It was a situation where honesty, even though I tried to be very careful in how I said it, really hurt the feelings of the hearer.  The result is a damaged relationship, hopefully only temporarily. 

 

I've been trained extensively in communication and, generally, am very good at it.  I help people improve their communications skills successfully all the time.  This was just a case of getting caught off guard and not taking the time to think before I spoke.  I didn't want to hurt anyone and I was hoping to create a dialogue.  That didn't happen this time.

I slept on it and this morning was still at a loss and feeling defeated and regretful.  I wondered how many others have been faced with trying to be honest in communication, knowing it would hurt the other person, but wanting with all you have for that not to happen.  I realized if I continued to keep what I thought to myself that I would be creating fertile ground for future resentment.  I also believe that if I have an issue with someone, it is best to get it out in the open and discuss it so it doesn’t fester.  But, I was at a loss as to how I could have handled it better.

I had to call my mentor, Dr. Paul Fitzgerald, for help.  He reminded me of some things that could have possibly averted the situation.  He was so helpful to me that I wanted to share his ideas with you.  First of all, when I was asked about my hesitation I could have increased my chances of success by first checking out with the person if they were, in fact, ready and wanting to hear feedback.  If the answer was “yes” then I could have proceeded with my concerns but only after reassurance that what I was about to share was solely my observation, not judgment.   A reminder that I am fully open to the fact that I could be misinterpreting the situation would have been another way to be genuine while still being authentic. 

Thank you, Dr. Paul, for your help.  Now if I can only bring myself to stop and think before I respond, I’ll have come a long way.  I hope this helps you as it did me.