March 5, 2012
A Discussion Gone Bad
Therapists aren't perfect either you know.
I made a mistake last night and I wonder if
anyone else has encountered a similar
situation. I was asked a question by
someone who I love very much and is very
important to me. Apparently I hesitated in
my response and I was asked why I did that.
All that came to mind was my commitment to
living and communicating honestly and
authentically so I tried very carefully to
share my perceptions even though I was
pretty certain it would not turn out well.
I was on the spot and I didn’t know what to
do. It was a situation where honesty, even
though I tried to be very careful in how I
said it, really hurt the feelings of the
hearer. The result is a damaged
relationship, hopefully only temporarily.
I've been trained extensively in
communication and, generally, am very good
at it. I help people improve their
communications skills successfully all the
time. This was just a case of getting
caught off guard and not taking the time to
think before I spoke. I didn't want to
hurt anyone and I was hoping to create a
dialogue. That didn't happen this
time.
I slept on it and this
morning was still at a loss and feeling
defeated and regretful. I wondered how many
others have been faced with trying to be
honest in communication, knowing it would
hurt the other person, but wanting with all
you have for that not to happen. I realized
if I continued to keep what I thought to
myself that I would be creating fertile
ground for future resentment. I also
believe that if I have an issue with
someone, it is best to get it out in the
open and discuss it so it doesn’t fester.
But, I was at a loss as to how I could have
handled it better.
I had to call my
mentor, Dr. Paul Fitzgerald, for help. He
reminded me of some things that could have
possibly averted the situation. He was so
helpful to me that I wanted to share his
ideas with you. First of all, when I was
asked about my hesitation I could have
increased my chances of success by first
checking out with the person if they were,
in fact, ready and wanting to hear
feedback. If the answer was “yes” then I
could have proceeded with my concerns but
only after reassurance that what I was about
to share was solely my observation, not
judgment. A reminder that I am fully open
to the fact that I could be misinterpreting
the situation would have been another way to
be genuine while still being authentic.
Thank you, Dr. Paul,
for your help. Now if I can only bring
myself to stop and think before I respond,
I’ll have come a long way. I hope this
helps you as it did me.
