This is a very
difficult post and it is important that I not be misunderstood. No matter how
severe the trial was that you endured or how bad you feel about decisions you
made, there is some good that has come out this part of your story. This is true of divorce, abuse, addiction,
financial loss, and any number of other trials you may have experienced. The caveat is, you can’t truly find and
appreciate the silver lining until you are on the other side of the trial. That is why it is so important to do the work
that you must do to get out of bad situations and heal and commit to growth. Maybe it’s time to tell my own story a little
bit.
My wife and I were
married for 26 years before we got divorced. It was a very difficult
relationship the entire time we were married. I felt unsupported and she felt
unsafe by the way that I treated her. We both dug our heels in and would not
budge to try to make our marriage better. We ended up divorced. Through an
amazing set of circumstances we found ourselves living in a different city
together and because of family obligations we were in contact with each other
again. During that time we developed a friendship, rediscovered our love for
each other, and remarried again after four years. During those four years I
would have to say it felt like hell. The loneliness for both of us was
excruciating and we learned how important it was to value friendship, love, and
even discover a different definition of what love and commitment are. The last
year and a half of marriage has been completely different than the previous 26 years.
We support each other, love each other, value each other, and really cherish
the time we have together. It is accurate for both of us to say that without
going through the pain and suffering of divorce we would have never discovered
the things about ourselves that allow was to now live together in harmony and
love. We didn’t want to go through what we did, but had we not gone through it
we never would have learned what we needed to learn about ourselves that allows
us to be completely different people in our new relationship. That is the
silver lining for us that never would’ve occurred had we not gone through the
pain of the bad decisions we each made.
Please do not hear me
say that we should go out and make bad decisions so we can learn from them.
What I’m saying is that when we do make bad decisions, once we are on the other
side of them we can learn and make our lives better because of the growth that
has occurred in that valley. It is therefore important to look for those silver
linings. They typically refine us as people and make us better if we allow them
to. It does not always happen that way though. Some people use difficult times in
their lives as an excuse to get angry, bitter, revengeful, and hurtful. We don’t
have to go down those roads. We can choose something different and more
healthy. That’s what I challenge you to do; to find health and wholeness and
healing out of the bad decisions that you have made. Look for the silver
lining. It is there and it is important
We are nearing the
end of this series. There will be three more posts on this topic of forgiving
yourself. I hope that you are getting the idea that forgiving yourself isn’t
just the snapping of your fingers and deciding it’s over and moving on. There
are processes to go through and work to do. Some of us have to spend more time
on some aspects of this and not so much on others. I’m not trying to say that
everybody has to go through all of these steps and do the work associated with
each one. All of us are different. My
goal is for you to look at each of these topics and see what areas pertain to
you and where the work needs to be done.
Tomorrow: the
importance of grieving.
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