Part 6 of 8: Forgiving Myself? I just can’t and I shouldn’t : The role of grieving

The pain of past mistakes and regretful decisions can be excruciating. The temptation is to want to hide and to avoid dealing with that pain. After all, who wants to purposefully think about things that cause heartache? It is amazing how creative the human mind can be in trying to avoid the hurt that often accompanies healing. There are many avenues of escape; including shopping, spending, drinking, gambling, eating, TV, religion, pornography, and the list goes on and on and on. Hopefully, the realization that these are only temporary escapes which will only lead to bigger problems will be understood quickly. These temporary escapes only allow the internalized shame and un-confronted guilt to continue working in your heart and soul at subconscious levels, destroying your very being. The shame will continue to surface repeatedly, and the temptation to continue the numbing process using these unsatisfying escapes will get more and more intense.  It is one way addictions develop.

I believe it is imperative to squarely turn and face your past and acknowledge and deal with the mistakes and choices that you regret. Part of the process of doing this involves grieving what you have lost. Perhaps you lost close relationships or maybe it was social status. Perhaps your financial situation totally changed for the worse. A marriage may have been destroyed, children hurt, a job lost, your relationship with God sacrificed, or maybe your reputation took a huge hit. Those are all difficult things to think about and they all cause significant pain when you do. However, it is important to grieve those losses and to sit in the pain of that grief while you process what those things mean to you. Considering these things may cause you to feel anger, depression, sadness, denial, or even send you into an “if only” kind of thinking. You know, “if only” someone would have done something differently, or “if only” the set of circumstances wouldn’t have been this way, or “if only” my parents would’ve raised me differently, then these things wouldn’t have happened. There may be some truth to the “if onlys,” but you are the only one who can deal with the aftermath of your decisions in response to those circumstances.  Facing those decisions and allowing yourself to feel all of the accompanying emotions and processes is so important to get to a place of acceptance. Accepting what has happened as a result of your regretful past is imperative for you to now contemplate how you can learn from the situations and begin to build something new; to write new and exciting healthy chapters in the stories of your life.

This is certainly a very difficult step. Many people will not be able to process this on their own and may need a very close and trusted friend to talk with about the grief that they are facing regarding their past. Some may need counseling to help process what has happened.  I would encourage you to take that step if you feel stuck.  I truly hope you will decide you will face the fear of taking this step and put in place the necessary supports to do this safely. There are many productive ways in which to address your painful past and journey down the road to acceptance and self-forgiveness.  Journaling is a great way to process self-evaluation while creating a record of your progress for later reference.  Reading books on the subjects regarding those past mistakes also can be of benefit. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Find what feeds your soul and make sure that that is included as part of your healing process. For some people it’s listening to music, for some it’s getting out in nature, while others find being with people something that feeds their soul. Whatever these healing activities are for you I encourage you to commit to using them to care for yourself as you continue your journey of healing.

Tomorrow:  Telling myself the truth