For those of you who follow me you may remember previous
posts about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. This applies to the work of self-forgiveness
as well. Forgiveness is getting to the
place where the past is no longer what defines you. It is fully accepting all of the truths I
listed in my previous post. It allows
you to be free to pursue the goals you have always dreamed of but just couldn’t
because you did not believe in yourself.
One more thing may be lacking, however.
While you have forgiven yourself, you still may feel the need to hide your
past from others for fear of judgment.
Eventually though, you may feel like you are betraying yourself.
In order to address this feeling of betrayal, reconciliation
with yourself is needed. Reconciliation comes when you fully experience the
value of your past and can embrace it.
You realize that without the previous chapters of your life, good and
bad, you wouldn’t be who you are today.
Understanding this gives the courage and energy to overcome fear of
judgment and live as your true self, not feeling the need to hide any of your
story. In fact, you may begin seeing it
as a way to help others who are struggling. That involves some very hard and
humbling work but, again, it is so worth it.
Here is what I suggest.
Make amends. In order to fully live in the freedom from your
past it is important to consider those who you may have hurt along the way. If
it is safe, humbly talk with those people about your regret for hurting them.
This needs to be done without any preconceived notion of how they will will
respond. It also isn’t about how they have hurt you. It is solely owning your part, and only your
part, of the broken pieces of the relationship.
It is something you do for yourself, to make things right, as much as
you can. This contributes to true peace in your soul. Remember, you are not responsible for whether
or not they accept or reject your attempt.
Change your behavior. Sometimes we can get to the point
where we are able to forgive our past but we still make decisions and behave in
a way that is destined to repeat the same mistakes we have just forgiven. Take
stock of how you are living your life and try to be as congruent as possible.
What I mean by congruent is that spiritually, emotionally, physically, and
relationally you are trying your best to live in a way that there is no
conflict between your beliefs and those four areas of your life.
Live authentically. Leave arrogance behind. When coming in
contact with others, remember that your past leaves you no room to judge. Show compassion for those struggling on their
journey, even if in their arrogance it doesn’t appear they even care. Remember, you were there once too. Remember, too, that you will continue to make
regretful mistakes and the grace you have needed in the past and will need in
the future is the grace you can extend to others now.
Live in community. It is important to find people with whom
you can be yourself; people from whom you no longer need to hide and with whom you
can be totally honest and open about who you are. This is raw exposure of your
heart so it is very important not share it with just anybody, but only with
people who you can trust to handle your heart as if it were their own. It can
be one person or can be a community of many but it is important that you feel
safe and that they have earned your trust.
We were made for community, not isolation. While self-forgiveness will help you be able
to live with yourself, reconciliation will help you feel confident to live in
community. The rewards of being part of
a community of people you trust will propel you to heights beyond what you ever
imagined.
This concludes my series on forgiving yourself. I know for
many of you it is been long and I have no idea how many people have actually
read these posts. However, it is my hope that for those of you who have you
have found some healing, perhaps some direction, and a challenge to move
forward and let go of the past. If you feel stuck in any way please know that I
am here to help. I offer counseling to people across the country via video but
I’m also available for short-term consultation at no cost. Not everybody needs
counseling but if you do I certainly hope that you get it. You have one life
and I hope you don’t choose to live it in the shadows of shame but rather will
fight to live into the light of joy. Blessings and peace to all.
Well done
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