May 31, 2012
The Basics of Parenting and Other Relationships (Part 2)
The Four Skills
Last week I wrote about the three perceptions kids need
to lead healthy and productive lives and challenged us
to think about how we would want to be treated by our
employers when deciding how to relate to our children.
This week I want to address the four skills we want our
children to master as they go through life. Please
realize that what I am writing is bare bones. This is
ideally a 27 hour course or, at its shortest a weekend
seminar. So feel free to write or call or post on my FB
page if you have questions, comments, or would like
clarification on something.
Skill 1: I know myself
The ability to be introspective is key to lifetime
growth. Understanding why I do what I do helps me have
that internal congruency that I have mentioned as key in
other posts. Admittedly, even as adults, most of us
struggle with this one. So, how do we teach it? This is
where parenting takes time and isn’t expedient. It
involves helping kids develop an internal locus of
control which says, “I am in control of my destiny, not
at the mercy of circumstances or someone else’s
expectations.” Key to this skill is processing events
with our kids rather than telling them what we want them
to know or simply imposing our will on them to get them
to be obedient. This is why I am opposed to things like
behavior charts and reward systems. They promote an
external locus of control where kids see the necessity
of needing someone to be their policeman. The long-term
risk of that is that when the authority figure isn’t
there, the rules get broken because they have never
internalized the importance of the rule. So here is the
tool:
process the event with the child rather than preach or
yell at them.
Example:
Two siblings fighting. Our tendency is to just send them
to their room, which isn’t a bad strategy for a cooling
off period, but follow it up by asking them
what happened, what caused that to happen, why was it
important to you to handle it this way, how do you think
the other person felt when you said/did that, how do you
like to feel when people talk to you, now that you know
how you want to be treated, how will you want to handle
this in the future. Okay, now that you’ve decided this,
what do you think your consequence should be in the
future if you treat someone like this again.
Formulate the questions in your words and at the child’s
level. The point is that it places the responsibility on
them and helps them internalize the point. By the way
parents, you want to model this with each other too. If
kids hear you using victim language for your own
circumstances, they will pick up the same habit. I will
refer to this processing exercise several times so I
have highlighted it for future reference.
Skill 2: Get along with others.
Empathy is the key here. Teaching and modeling how it
might feel to be in another person’s shoes even if we
have never been there ourselves helps with this.
Judgmental and black and white thinking will thwart this
effort. If your kids hear you gossiping or putting
someone down, that won’t go well either. In their own
lives when having trouble getting along with someone
else, use variations of the processing questions to help
them see there is almost always something they can do to
improve the situation. What are some healthy ways to
handle it?
Skill 3: Know how to act appropriately in different
settings
Even been to a store and see kids running around
unattended, screaming, and yelling? Or how about doing
that in your house where you just know disaster is about
to strike? Instead of screaming, yelling, shaming,
and/or punishing, I suggest being more effective by once
again using appropriate processing questions to help
them discover why it is important to act certain ways in
certain settings. And it can’t be “because I told you
so”. Think it through. Why is it important and, again,
make sure you model what you are teaching.
Skill 4: Make healthy decisions when you aren’t around.
This is when good modeling on your part is so important.
If kids see you doing what you are trying to teach them
what not to do, you lose credibility. Process with them
what they want in their lives, what might stand in their
way (bad peer influences perhaps, drugs, not doing their
best, etc.) and what will help them succeed. What
happens when you make bad decisions just because you
think you can get away with it? What are the
consequences? And, if you do make an unhealthy choice,
what can you do to get back on your path?
Again, doesn’t a good employer process things through
with you, believe in your ability to come up with
solutions? How do you feel when they just bark orders at
you or worse tell you do something as you watch them do
the opposite? Your kids feel the same as do your
significant others. This is really about how to
communicate in healthy ways. It’s just that kids need to
be included in this kind of discourse.
