June 25, 2012

Communication At Its Best

It is Monday morning and you have just dragged yourself out of bed to go to work.  You walk through the front door and the first person you see is your boss who greets you with, “That project you turned in on Friday was a mess!  You are to do nothing else until you get it right.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hired you!”  Imagine the feelings that come over you…shame, frustration, surprise, depression, guilt or a host of other emotions depending on who you are.  You may not even realize you have any of those feelings before you go straight to anger.  Not exactly the most inspiring boss for whom to work, is it?  In fact, thoughts of revenge may begin to creep in your head and you may even respond internally with “I’ll show her!”  At the very least, you are probably not going to feel inspired to work real hard for her or to want to hang out together on a Friday night. 

None of us want to be treated this way, yet we often talk to those we care about the most in this manner.  “Honey, you didn’t take out the trash, AGAIN!” or “You can do better than that.  Don’t be so lazy!”  You get the picture.  Then we wonder why our spouses do the minimum, if that, or why our children want to stay away from us.  It is for the same reasons you would not want to be with the boss mentioned in the first paragraph.

Now think about what it would be like to have a supervisor who first said, “Hi!  How was your weekend?  When you get a minute, I’d like to talk with you about the project you turned in Friday.  There are a few things we need to fine tune.”  That kind of respect encourages people to want to do their best and even go beyond what is required.  So, in the spirit of Biblical challenges of fathers not exasperating their children, husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and submitting to one another, let’s look at some of the components of healthy communication that are key to relationships such as these.

In his book, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, the late Stephen Glenn identified five “builders” to healthy communication.  Improvement in these areas will go far in improving any relationship in which you may be a part. 

1. Check instead of assume.  Many times we assume somebody knows something, places the same importance on it, or understands it in the same way we do.  For example, if I assume that my son had plenty of time to get the lawn mowed while I was at the store, I may be tempted to immediately confront him upon my return.  If, instead, I take the time to check it out first, I may find out that grandma called and he didn’t want to be rude and not talk or that he couldn’t get the lawn mower started.  Whatever the reason, checking things out puts both of us in a better position to solve the problem and get the task accomplished.  Assuming that my significant other was wrong when we miscommunicate or something doesn’t go as planned just leads to an argument and a stalemate.  Instead, check out what the other person understood and their perceptions.  You are likely to have an “aha” moment as you realize where the communication breakdown occurred.
2. Explore instead of rescuing or explaining.  If Susie is planning to go to camp, instead of making the list of what she needs to take with her, sit down together and explore her perception of what she’ll need.  Fill in what’s missing by asking something like, ‘Have you thought about how cold it may get at night?  What will you need for that?”  With our most important relationships, this technique causes people to feel empowered rather than looked down upon.
3. Encourage and invite instead of directing.  Instead of leaving a list for your spouse to complete while your gone, consider saying something like, “Honey I have an incredibly busy day and I’m worried I won’t be able to get (laundry, dinner, groceries, cleaning, etc) done.  I would really appreciate anything you could do to help.
4. Celebrate progress instead of perfection.  If  your son made a D in chemistry first quarter and makes a C second quarter, remember to celebrate the progress rather than point out he could have made a B.  After acknowledging the progress, talk with him about what ideas he has to help him keep improving.  Notice and celebrate the healthy progress in the lives of those we love.
5. Respect instead of ___isming.  You’ve heard adultisms before.  They sound like, “How come you never…, You should have known…, You’re grounded for the rest of your life…, etc.  Respect involves sitting down with the person, gaining their perspective and reaching decisions together.  Each person’s ideas are equally important.

Healthy communication takes more time initially, but pays big dividends in the long run.  As you try to improve remember to celebrate your progress, and give up that picture of perfection.  You are aiming for about 70% proficiency.  You will never reach 100% so be careful not to measure yourself by that standard.  It is also necessary to realize that sometimes there are things in our lives that influence us heavily to show power or be degrading to others.  If you find yourself stuck in a destructive communication pattern and can’t seem to make progress to healthier interactions, it is time to seek outside help.