June 15, 2012

The Dirty Dozen of Communication

It is always important to know what we could be doing to increase our effectiveness in dealing with our loved ones, as well as, those with whom we come in contact on a regular basis.  Equally essential is an ability to identify those things which are detrimental to our relationships.  In his book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, Stephen Glenn lists twelve common things we do that hurt those around us, whether they be our children, spouses, friends or acquaintances.  If we can learn to avoid these communication styles, we can dramatically improve our relationships.

Showing Power- Consider how you feel when someone uses their authority to force you to do something.  Time is not taken to explain why it needs to be done or how it will help.  Or remember when your parents said “Don’t do as I do, do as I say!”  Those are examples of showing power and they tend to lead the recipient to feel rebellious and unmotivated.  Your position in life may be such that you are in charge, and you may have every right to force people to do things, but using that as a motivator is very ineffective.  Do it with children and they will most likely grow up fearful or rebellious.  Do it with significant others and you will end up with resentment and contempt.

“You” messages – “You didn’t…” or “It’s your fault” are examples of this communication style.  It is simply blaming, leads the recipient to become frustrated for not being heard, and creates an inability on our part to see how we are contributing to the problem.  If we can’t see our contribution to the problem there is no way for relationship or personal growth to occur.

Advising – Nobody wants to be given advice until they are ready to hear it. To give it to an unwilling recipient can cause them to believe that you do not have enough faith in them to work the problem through on their own.  That can feel like a real put-down.  Remember, when you advise you decide to own the problem for the person and become responsible for the outcome.  If you must give your two cents, ask the recipient first if they want it.

Lecturing - I’ve never heard of a situation where someone has walked up to another person and said, “Please tell me off.  I really need to hear all the things I’ve done wrong.”  Lecturing someone rarely causes them to change behavior for reasons other than fear.  Those kinds of behavior changes generally are not long lasting and lead to distance and resentment in children and adults.

Judging – My counseling schedule is filled with people who are hiding who they really are for fear of being judged.  To be judged causes one to feel like an outcast and results in loneliness and isolation.  It is what causes people to not feel safe to share how they really feel or with what they are struggling in your presence.

Nonspecific Praise – If you have ever experienced someone who walked around telling you how wonderful you are without being specific about what it is that you did that was so helpful, you realize how meaningless this type of praise becomes, especially when you see this person saying “you’re great and wonderful” to everyone they know.  Eventually, it even can become annoying.  Phrases like, “It was really helpful to me that you mowed the lawn because I was really tired today” or “I really trust you because you listened to me and didn’t judge” have much more impact.

Name calling – “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a popular saying when I was a kid.  The truth is that this phrase is one big lie.  Almost all of the people I see for counseling have been wounded verbally at some point in their lives.  Those wounds do not heal easily and they can affect someone his/her entire life.  For example, I just spoke with a teenager last week who told me his parents repeatedly said that he would never amount to anything and that he was worthless.  They did not really believe what they were saying but they, unfortunately, didn’t keep a reign on their tongues when they were angry.  Consequently, this teen is struggling with motivation to even try to succeed in school.  He has come to believe that what they said is true.  It is important not to label someone based on only the mistakes they make or the things they do with which we disagree.  Focus on the good and celebrate progress and communication and motivation will improve.  Those put downs in an adult relationship are equally as destructive.

Ridiculing – Junior highs and middle schools are the hotbeds of ridicule.  If you’re different in any way, you will be the brunt of harsh joking and/or bullying.  The result is an erosion of a person’s self-respect.  It is bad enough when peers use this tactic, but if it comes from a parent, teacher, youth pastor or sibling, the effects are even more devastating.  Suffering this kind of abuse on a regular basis causes one to withdraw from those she thought were supposed to be her supporters.  Loneliness and depression often take the place of God’s joy.  Believing the messages heard over time also makes one want to hide from God because feelings of shame and unworthiness.  When we do this is our adult relationships, trust is eroded very quickly.

Interpreting – I remember giving my daughter something to read one night and then proceeded to tell her what it meant.  In frustration she said to me, “Dad I think I can figure this out myself.” (eye roll included, of course).  The underlying message of my interpreting tha piece of paper for her was “I don’t believe you’re smart enough to figure this out so I’d better explain it.”  It would have been much more effective if I would have let her read it and then asked, “What’s your understanding of this so I know what you think.”  This would have shown her that her opinion was equal to mine while, at the same time, respectfully checking to make sure she understood.  Interpreting for our significant others is a one-up put down and is very damaging.

Giving false reassurance – Walking up to someone in New Orleans who was wading through sewage to find dry land after they had lost everything in hurricane Katrina, including possibly their loved ones and saying, “Don’t worry, it will all be okay” would have been no comfort at all.  In fact, it would have shown an incredible lack of sensitivity for their pain and struggle and would have presented as very uncaring.  Many of us have lost loved ones and were in the midst of extreme grief when someone uttered empty words similar to the example above.  Not only did they not comfort, but you may have thought something like, “Be quiet.  You have no idea how I feel”.  More effective communication would be, “I have no idea the depth of pain you are experiencing, but I want you to know I’m here to walk through this with you.”  THEN ACTUALLY DO IT!  You can call them, take them out, and help them talk.  This is love in action.  The cop out is, “Let me know if you need anything”.

Attacking – This tactic involves anything we do to put down, discredit or try to prove someone wrong.  The response is usually defensiveness and an argument.  A much more effective approach is to seek understanding first.  The message then becomes one of respect and a feeling of safety within the relationship is affected.

Avoiding – Another approach that really kills relationships is avoiding.  You know someone wants to talk with you about something so you respond by changing the subject, walking away, being unavailable or a host of other tactics designed to allow you to escape dealing with the issue.  A much more effective approach would be to let the person know you’re not ready to talk yet, but then set a time when you will address the problem.  Then work to get to the place where you are ready to discuss it at the time agreed upon.