May 4, 2012

But I Can’t Believe What I Don’t Believe!

The mind is amazingly powerful and if not taken seriously will leave us subject to teachings and beliefs thrust on us by others. Consider the tapes that play in your heads that have defined you. They can either hold you back or propel you forward but, think about it, those tapes came from your interpretation of what others taught you and your perceptions of the events of your life. Since these tapes are formed at an early age the capacity to challenge them when they begin forming in your head isn’t even possible. Then, when you are old enough to take a look at your beliefs you often don’t because now they just seem normal. You may even find reasons to reinforce them.

Here are some examples. Consider how many people stay in the religion and/or denomination in which they were raised. To question those beliefs is risking throwing themselves and those who love them in a fear based belief that to question, challenge, or God forbid, change that belief system would leave them with a faulty life compass and jeopardize eternity. So the temptation is to blindly cling to what is known no matter how hurtful it may be. It just isn’t safe to rock the boat.

Think about growing up in circumstances of poverty and you consistently see and hear that you don’t have what it takes to overcome and beat the cycle. No one in your family has graduated high school because getting a job to survive and support the family takes precedence. The kind of job you therefore qualify for has little, if any, benefits. All you can afford are starchy foods. So you gain weight, are uneducated, can’t take care of your teeth and may lose them, have no transportation or clothing but live in a society that says you’re lazy and tells you to just go get a job as if you’re even in the same ballpark as those with whom you are competing. Only when you begin to challenge those beliefs about yourself and risk doing something different can improvement come. But how?

What if you were raised to believe as a woman you must submit to your husband no matter what? He can emotionally, physically, and sexually abuse you but you were taught divorce would send you straight to hell or Hell and is therefore not an option. What does that do to your belief in who God is?

Our beliefs must be examined and challenged. Accepting something as true because someone else told us it was is dangerous. Whether it is about who you are as a person or a belief that keeps you stuck from personal growth, the longer your mind goes unchallenged the more of your life may be lived unfulfilled. Because we are comfortable with what we know and are often afraid of the unknown, we frequently read things, watch things, listen to things, and surround ourselves with people who don’t challenge us and, even worse, reinforce our stinking thinking. How many times do we say we want to eat healthy but meet our friends at the donut shop? If you want to eat healthy you’ll want to add to your circle of influence those who have that same goal and actually do it.

If you really want to take up Jesus’ challenge to love and care for “the least of these” it would be wise to quit filling your head with sources that tell you how the poor take advantage of the system and are just looking for a handout and, instead, actually put yourself in places where you can meet and talk to these folks and know their stories.

The reality is you can’t believe what you don’t believe no matter how many times somebody tells you what we should think. If you believe you are unworthy it won’t matter how many times somebody tells you you are valuable, you won’t believe it until you start challenging that belief and start hanging out with people and reading things that build you up. If you believe you’ll never get over grief, you won’t if you bombard yourself purposefully with sad songs and reminders of your pain. There is a proper time for grieving but making it harder to reach resolution just increases your chances of getting stuck in the process. What beliefs/tapes do you need to examine? ALL OF THEM!!!

Here are some suggestions:

1. Allow yourself to be open-minded to learn new things. Don’t worry, your current truth will hold up and even get stronger if new evidence doesn’t support a change in position. The practice of open-mindedness and study will go a long way to empathizing and connecting with people who think differently than you do. This means taking a chance to get to know and understand people with whom you otherwise would not associate, not to convince them they are wrong but rather to understand their perspective,
2. Be open to being with people who support the belief or action you are trying to adopt. If you want to eat healthy or lose weight, hang out with folks who feel the same and actually practice it. That’s why weight loss programs usually incorporate group meetings for encouragement and support. If you want to see if a loving God exists, expose yourself to people who believe that to be true. If you still come around to a punitive God then you’ll be more resolved than ever in that belief but you will understand others who believe differently than you as you try to reach them with the Good News. If you believe the poor are just lazy and trying to take advantage of the system, go volunteer in a homeless shelter for a few weeks and hear their stories. Get to know the people. You see, it is only by exposing yourself to both sides of a story that a truly educated decision can be made.
3. Pay attention to what you read, watch, and hear. Again, we often watch shows, read books, and give credibility to old tapes we hear in our heads that further entrench us in the very beliefs and behaviors we are trying to change. For example, if you struggle with a violent temper, MMA may not be the best choice for you to watch. If you’re worried about how much you drink, be honest with yourself and quit meeting your friends at bars. Challenge yourself to understand another point of view. If you are struggling with appreciating your spouse, constantly talking to your friends about how bad he/she is just further reinforces that belief system. Instead, choose to focus and share the positive. That’s not being inauthentic. Everyone has good and bad traits. It is just choosing your focus.

In short, live life on purpose. Take your thoughts captive and fill your head with things that reinforce who you want to be rather than who you have been.

April 25, 2012

Why I Won’t Diagnose

I have never taken insurance in my counseling practice even though it has cost me a lot of business. Instead, I would much rather charge less than half the going rate just to avoid doing this kind of harm to my clients. You see, accepting insurance carries with it the necessity of labeling. Any time you use insurance to see a therapist, in order to get paid they have to give you a label or diagnosis. That label of bi-polar, anxiety, depression, ADD, or whatever else they decide you have becomes part of your permanent medical record and will most likely factor into future health insurance costs, coverage, and eligibility. It can also impact whether or not you can get certain jobs. If you are put on certain medications, the negative results can be compounded by affecting life insurance eligibility and rates.

The second reason I resist labeling is because of what it can do psychologically. It can easily take one’s hope away for improvement. Clients can go to five different therapists and get five different diagnoses. It is not an exact science. At best, it is an art that in the best of circumstances is only descriptive of symptoms experienced up to the point of diagnosis. It should not be used as a predictor of future behavior. Unfortunately, in this age of the internet and instant access to research and information, the diagnosis and the symptoms that go with it are often used as a definition of who the client is and gets in the way of growth. After all, if I am “bi-polar” how can I expect to regulate my severe mood swings. Many times adolescents are given this diagnosis at a time known for severe mood swings due to hormonal reasons. The hormones regulate but the diagnosis and medications, as well as the stigma and self-limiting tapes, can last a lifetime. As another example, a diagnosis of attention deficit disorder can cause one to rely on medications rather than learn coping mechanisms designed to increase the ability to focus.

I can’t tell you how many times clients come to me with heavy duty labels and have no hope of getting better because they believe the label defines them. Once I get them to see their strengths and the truth about labels growth finally begins.

I do have a word of caution here. There are some situations where people genuinely need medication and the label to receive proper treatment. I am well aware of when this is the case and am more than happy to make the referral to the appropriate professional. It is just that this should be the exception rather than the rule. Unfortunately, in the field of mental health, diagnosing someone is the norm rather than the exception.

If you are looking for a therapist who will focus on your strengths and believe in your ability to grow, contact me and together we will walk down the path of health and healing. Please don’t settle for living in your pain just because someone gave you a label in order to get paid by an insurance company.

April 17, 2012

Self Respect Impacts Self Esteem

Last week I wrote about the importance of deriving our self esteem from the belief that I am part of a bigger story and that my chapters are very important to me and those around me. No matter how much someone may tell me I have nothing to contribute or that my verses don’t matter, I have to accept that what I have to contribute is valuable and is independent of however much praise I do or do not receive.

As true as that is, there is another phenomenon at work that seeks to rob us of the belief that we are valuable, capable, and have influence over our lives. As much as I would like to wave a magic wand over all of us and convince us that we are valuable no matter what others tell us or the mistakes we’ve made, our humanity won’t seem to let us escape very easily tying our worth to our performance and decisions.

This is where self –respect comes in and why it is so important. We want, as much as possible, to be proud of the decisions we make; how we handle relationships, conflict, habits, what we do when no one else is looking, etc. so we aren’t having to constantly battle the feelings of failure that often accompany those times we feel we let ourselves down. While self –respect is different than self-esteem it is undeniable that the two are closely linked. It is hard to believe my life is meaningful and I have a lot to contribute to my world if I am making decisions of which I am not proud. It is a powerful lie to tie one to the other but it is that very power that makes it so hard to separate the two. Therefore, it is important to try to live our lives as closely to what is honorable as we can. Taking the high road of forgiveness, for example, may be counterintuitive to everything we are feeling in the moment, but holding grudges will eventually wear on us in very destructive ways. Similarly, if fear is holding us back from something we really want to do then every time we are confronted with the possibility of doing it but, instead, give into the fear, it eats away at our self-respect a little more.

In a perfect world, self-respect and self-esteem would not be intertwined, but in reality, unfortunately, they almost always are. I encourage all of us to live a life of which we are proud and if there is something holding you back call me.  I can help. This is how to truly move to the next level. Click here to comment on my FB page

April 12, 2012

Understanding Self Esteem

Most of my career I worked in the school system as a clinical social worker and teachers, counselors, principals, and everybody else focused on building a child’s self-esteem while avoiding anything that they perceived might damage it. At the elementary level this meant smiley faces on papers and pizza parties for good behavior and telling everyone how wonderful they were with no explanation as to what made them special. Phrases like “good job” or “you are special” were thrown around and people made a lot of money producing stickers that said the same. The stickers were pasted on papers that hung on refrigerator doors at home and stuck on shirts leaving that dark sticky residue that, mostly moms, struggled to remove from the fabric. Yet, in spite of these efforts, school performance didn’t increase, bad behavior didn’t decrease, and the drop-out rate continued to be a struggle and still does to this day. Why is that?

I believe society has a fundamental misunderstanding of self-esteem and, consequently, goes at developing it the wrong way. After all, you can only hear generic flowery comments about yourself for so long before they begin to lose their meaning and you realize the person spewing them probably just has a need to be liked and they believe by telling someone how special they are over and over with nothing to back it up somehow accomplishes this task. So what is the answer?

 

First of all, it is imperative to understand that self-esteem can’t be earned or given but it is something that must be believed on faith. I have to believe that I matter just because I am, not because of what I am told or what I have accomplished. I am created for a reason with a purpose to contribute to a bigger story of mankind and creation. My life isn’t about just doing things that make me feel good, though those things are important spices, just not the main course. Rather it is about finding my gifts and purpose and to contribute meaningfully to society. The late Dr. Steven Glenn identifies three beliefs that must be adopted in our belief system and passed on to others.

1. That I am capable
2. That I have influence over my life and the world around me
3. That I am significant

Those beliefs cannot be adopted by depending on someone else to give us the “you’re great” mantra. They must be accepted by each of us and incorporated in the way we live our lives and modeled and taught for our children so they do not come to believe that in order to feel good about themselves they have to depend on pleasing others to get the medicine they need. If the foundation is laid of living life for purpose and that my gifts are necessary to make the world a better place then I have meaning. When I understand that if I squander my gifts out of fear or momentary pleasure that it not only costs me but it also costs my circle of influence in the world, then I will get my worth and have healthy self-esteem. Smiley faces become reminders of but not the foundation of our worth. 

 

Next week I will address self –respect, a different animal entirely, but ties very closely to self-esteem. Until then, I challenge each of us to discover the purpose that brings us life, not to prove our worth, but to express it.

 

April 3, 2012  

Forgiving Is Different Than Reconciling

Do you ever struggle to overcome something that you know is bad for you? Maybe it is eating habits, an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or sex, or an anger problem that can sometimes become abusive. Try as you might you just can’t seem to get it under control and the damage you do to yourself and others just continues. You want to stop but don’t know how and feelings of defeat permeate your very being.

When I consider the things with which I struggle I can look back and even come up with a good explanation about how I came to fight against those things which seem to control me. I might be able to look at my childhood or how I did something that leads me to feel unworthy for which I just can’t forgive myself. There are many reasons, but even though I may have an understanding of why I got to be as I am, it doesn’t change my struggle.

My belief is that this is the reason forgiving others when they hurt me is so important. It is because I need forgiveness for my own faults that have resulted in hurting others either intentionally or unintentionally. I also need to be able to learn to forgive myself so I can continue to grow and improve rather than beat myself up for my shortcomings, which only leads to feelings of defeat and brokenness. If I have no empathy for how others struggle with their hurts and behaviors, I can have no true grace for myself.

I used to have a client who grew up in an abusive home, both sexual and physical. It took a while to get there but she eventually had to understand the pain in her perpetrators life to forgive herself for her own shortcomings. It is important to understand that forgiveness is not excusing the behavior or saying it was okay or that I caused it. It is merely acknowledging the struggle in someone else’s life that they have not yet conquered for one reason or another. It is recognizing that pain inflicted on someone else might be the result of unresolved hurt in his or her life, a trigger spun out of control, or even a misunderstanding on my part. As I realize this, I conclude that the amount of forgiveness I can extend to others is proportional to the amount of forgiveness I can extend to myself.

Of course, another reason to forgive is so the event or events that hurt us so badly no longer define who we are. It helps us move from being a victim to being a survivor to being a thriver. It helps us break the cycle of repeating the same mistakes we had perpetrated against us and looses us from the chains that hold us back. Forgiveness allows us to say “I am no longer going to think of myself as…” and releases us to become what we previously never thought we could.

Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as reconciliation. I may forgive someone for what they have done to me while still deciding that to be in relationship with that person is dangerous and toxic. The client I mentioned earlier may forgive her perpetrator but would be unwise to continue to be in relationship with him, or at least not put significant boundaries around the relationship. She certainly wouldn’t let him babysit her children! This is why I hold the unpopular belief that unconditional love can be unhealthy and even dangerous and should not even be our goal. To have no conditions on how we are treated shows no respect for ourselves or those around us who also may be experiencing hurt at the hands of someone. Only God has the capacity to love in that way.

I challenge you to forgive openly and freely those who hurt you so that you can also forgive yourself. I also challenge you to put healthy boundaries in places where reconciliation is being considered.

 

March 27, 2012

This Sucks the Life Right Out of Me!

The late Dr. Stephen Glenn posits that the greatest human need is to find purpose, meaning, and significance in one’s life.  The world’s religions take that concept and further define it by identifying love for others, giving of oneself, generosity, etc. as mediums by which significance and purpose can be found.  Conversely, selfishness, greed, isolation, and hatred, among other things are presented as things that rob us of finding fulfillment in this need.  The bottom line is that being in relationship and serving out of a nonjudgmental, loving heart becomes life giving while focusing exclusively on self or serving and giving for the wrong reasons becomes draining.  For example, let’s say there is an elderly widow in my neighborhood who needs help with her yard.  If I help her because I want her to like me, feel I must because God commands me to do so, to feel good about myself, or any other host of self-serving reasons, I will eventually find this life taking and very unfulfilling and maybe even grow to dread the work and dislike the very person I have chosen to help.  Also, if I think that this lady should hire someone or has kids who should be doing it or is a grouchy old bag and she really doesn’t deserve my help, I’ve missed the joy and will feel put out.  If, however, I see myself as part of a bigger picture of love and grace and wanting to bring heaven to earth wherever I am, I will find joy, peace, significance and meaning out of my service.  Feeling worn out and spent over helping her becomes irrelevant because those feelings don’t even come into play.

Many times in the mental health field and in western culture in general, we redefine what is life giving to mean whatever I do that is for my enjoyment and life taking is, therefore, whatever I give to others.  I can’t give too much or I will be drained so I make sure I take in more than I give out.  The goal is to keep my “emotional bank account” tilted in my favor.  The only way this belief system is falsely accurate is if I give to others out of obligation, to earn their love, to feel good about myself or some other unhealthy approach designed to make me feel better about whom I am.  If one or more of those things is my motivation then certainly I become weary and feel defeated because of how frustrating and rejecting it feels to work so hard only to still feel empty.  Self-acceptance is not achieved by focusing on doing things for the approval of others.

However, once I grasp the love and grace I have been shown in my life and I truly understand I am part of a much bigger story than just my own momentary happiness, then feeding my desire as an end in itself becomes genuinely hollow.  The result is that I try to continue to fill the void by becoming more and more self-indulgent or I begin to realize that giving to something greater than myself is what is truly life giving and what brings me meaning and significance.  The former brings death while the latter brings life.

It is important to realize that even while I find true meaning and purpose in service to others and causes, it is still important to nurture my own soul.  I’m just talking about keeping it in balance.  So, when I am talking about giving emotional medicine to others, how much do I give away as opposed to how much I feel I need to keep?  How much do I cling to physical possessions and self-indulgence rather than working to bring Heaven to earth for those who are experiencing hell around me?  If I find it draining to give to others, it is a good time to question my motivation as to why I am giving.  Is it out of some unhealthy self-focused goal?  If I find myself mostly transfixed on self and my own enjoyment at the expense of finding a bigger picture, perhaps it is time to ask what void I might be trying to fill in my life.  Another examination of myself is whether or not I rationalize self-focus and not give to others unless I have determined they are worthy to receive my gift.  Have they lived their lives in a way in which I approve?  Generally, that approach makes it easy not to find the bigger story that gives our lives true meaning because I can always find ways to disapprove of the decisions of others. 

Do you feel your life has meaning, purpose, and significance?  Where is the pendulum of your life right now in terms of self vs. others and why is it where it is?

March 20, 2012

Is It Worth It?

Last week I wrote about the danger of walking into and through fear just to prove you can overcome what might be holding you back.  I wrote that fear often serves as a warning to slow down to get you to think before you proceed.  Here are some things to consider before deciding to break through the fear and continue to pursue that thing that seems like your dream.

 

1. What is the source of the fear?  If the source of your fear comes from old tapes someone has ingrained in you, it is a good idea to not let that stop you.  For example, let’s say you want to go back to school but others are saying you’re too old or it wouldn’t be worth it, then it is time to name that as their stuff and not let it stop you.  Or perhaps you were told as a child that you’re not smart enough to get that degree you want, then giving in to that would be allowing someone else control of your life.

2.What do YOU really think?  If you eliminated the input from everyone else in your life, is this thing you are deciding to do really what you want?  Sometimes our motivation to step into fear and accomplish something is to prove our worth to ourselves or someone else.  If either of those is the motivation, it is best to put those plans on hold until you figure out if what you want is really what you want.  You are good enough!  You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone else or yourself.

3.  What is the cost?  Consider the likely outcome of your decision, both good and bad.  Will it cost more financially, physically, spiritually, or emotionally than it is worth?  If so, then just doing something to prove you can overcome your fear isn’t wise in this case.

After considering these three areas, if you want to do something and the cost is worth it but the only thing holding you back is your own fear of failure, then by all means push yourself to fight the forces holding you back.  That is true bravery!

March 12, 2012

Fear: Use It, Don't Lose It

Imagine life with no fear.  You know, the kind of confidence teenagers often have when they get behind the wheel of a car or make other choices as if they are indestructible as people.  I remember before I could drive sometimes calling friends and asking for rides to go to youth events at church.  We lived on top of a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River and there were roads leading down the bluff that were very hilly, curvy, and winding with a lot of blind spots.  One of my acquaintances at the time would pick me up and drive down those roads at 50-60 miles per hour, sometimes sending the car airborne.  All it would have taken is for a car to be coming the other way one time and I probably would not be sitting here writing this blog.  While my group of friends considered him reckless, we also thought of him as fearless, as if that was a good thing.

       
We often discuss fear as adults as something that holds us back from living life to the fullest and that keeps us from achieving our dreams.  There is no doubt that that is often the case.  However, please realize that fear has a very valuable purpose.  If used to our advantage, it adds a pause to our thought process giving us time to think and possibly avoid devastating decisions.  There have been several instances in my life where I chose to do something just because I wasn't going to let fear hold me back.  Some of those decisions I wish I could have as "do-overs."  Other times they have turned out well.  There is no way to accurately predict the outcomes of these decisions, but if we simply use fear as a warning flag to think something through a little more rather than consistently perceiving it as an enemy that must be overcome, we'll do a much better job of achieving our ultimate goals.