December 06, 2012

 Spirals

I was considering today the rut I've been fighting regarding lack of motivation and how I have been clueless as to what to do about it.  I haven't been working on my book, building my practice, blogging, or journaling.  I wish I could say it is because I've been too busy, but that isn't the problem.  I have plenty of time.  It isn't because I have some unidentified fear holding me back either or that I'm anxious or depressed.  I've been to all those places before so I know how they feel.  So, what has been the problem?  Time for some much needed introspection.

The first thing I had to discover was what had served as my motivation in the past.  I sorted through several possibilities but I finally saw that my push to write usually came from an uneasiness about something that I felt and a desire to sort through it and then express my insights.  I did it mostly for myself just to acknowledge my heart, but also for anyone else who might care to read it and possibly find some encouragement in my words.  I also realized my motivation to counsel people came from a desire to use a gift and passion God has given me and for which I trained extensively.  After really digging in about what was keeping me from living out of my passion for the last month I realized I had begun lying to myself again.  It crept up on me so quietly and slowly that I didn't even know the lies were there.  I had experienced some direct hits from some folks who disagreed with some of the things I had written and I took it too personally.  I began to convince myself that it was just better to keep my thoughts to myself and that began a spiral that eventually led me to lose my passion to share what I felt God was laying on my heart.  The lie I began to believe was "I have nothing valuable to say" which quickly turned to "I have nothing valuable to offer".  The real, underlying issue that crept up in my brain again was the desire to make everybody happy.  That's what it boils down to for most of us isn't it?  Doing this introspective work freed me to apply the tools I teach others and enabled me to interrupt and begin to reverse the spiral.

I am becoming convinced that life is about spirals.  We are either spiraling up or spiraling down.  I'm not sure we can just stay in one place. That's the thing with lies we tell ourselves.  They easily spiral out of control in a downward direction taking us to crippling places.  Lies that produce fear can lead to paranoia which only produces more fear.  Lies that cause anxiety can produce panic which just produces more anxiety.  Depression leads to isolation which increases the depression.  You see the pattern.  Conversely, the truth sets us free to soar to new heights every day.  We would do well to pay attention to our behavior for that is our clue to what we are saying to ourselves.  If we have joy (different from happiness) and life is working we will find truth in what we believe about who we are and who God says we are.  When life isn't working well for us and we are experiencing feelings that are holding us back, let's take the time to find the lie or lies behind it.  We all need to feel we are contributing to our world in significant ways, not to prove our worth, but because we have worth and we are compelled to share it.  Don't let downward spirals rob you of hopes and dreams and the expression of your worth.  It isn't fair to you or to those who love you.  

October 31, 2012

Violating Myself?

So much has been written and discussed about the need to establish healthy boundaries in our lives in order to keep us safe and thriving emotionally, spiritually, and in our conduct.  Boundaries keep us from being walked on, being co-dependent, and taking on things of which we have no control.  They keep us from burnout and model for those around us what healthy self-care looks like.  It is a difficult task to maintain those boundaries when those around us often don’t like them and may try to make us feel guilty for maintaining them.  Nevertheless, it is essential to maintain them and continually assess what boundaries we need in place at any given time and those we may be able to release.  Ongoing assessment also is necessary to establish which boundaries are necessary for each person in our life.  Some boundaries are static but others may come and go depending on where we are in our growth process. 

Boundaries or agreements we have with ourselves are just as important if not more.  All of us have a moral code by which we try to live along with a belief system that guides our conduct.  Situations often arise where we are tempted to violate everything in which we believe for momentary pleasure or escape from emotional pain.  It is true that many times these moral codes and belief systems beg to be examined because they are conflictual in nature and are not working, but it is imperative that work be done examining these internal boundaries before violating them in the heat of temptation. 

In my own journey I went from a very black and white punitive belief system to a very quick transformation to love and grace.  I responded by doing whatever I wanted in this newfound freedom without giving thought to reexamining what personal boundaries needed to stay, those that needed to go, and new ones that needed to be established.  My personal agreement of not wanting to do harm to those I love was replaced with an anything goes lifestyle because I no longer feared punishment and condemnation from God.  The result was decision making that led me down a path of destruction.

Living out temptations that are in conflict with personal beliefs can lead to addictions, affairs, divorce, and interpersonal conflict among other things. The resulting internal shame and guilt will rob us of joy and create a feeling of needing to hide spiritually.  It often leads to depression, anxiety, and downward spins that are so difficult to escape.  Often we feel years of our lives have been wasted as we look back on our path of destruction.  In my experience, if I could do it over again, I would take this newfound belief system of grace and freedom and examine my current internal boundaries and agreements in light of this new path.  I would have discarded some but kept many others that would have prevented the destruction in my life.

My hope is that each of you will avoid the pain I created for myself by taking the time to work on your personal boundaries first and get them to a place of congruency and wholeness before making life-changing decisions that can lead to very destructive places.  This is where counseling or life coaching or even an honest, loving friend is very helpful.  Do the internal work.  It is worth it.

October 2, 2012

Embrace the Pain: Really?

I have a friend who went through a terrible break-up from a man with whom she had a very toxic relationship.  One would think that would bring a sense of relief but, instead, she went through incredible pain that led to depression.  She kept reliving the few good times of the relationship and wondered what she could have done differently to make the relationship last.  Her pain really wasn’t about losing him as much as it was her perception that she had failed again.  She felt scared about being alone and needed the validation that she felt only a man could provide.

She did what most of us would do.  She tried everything in her power to avoid the pain.  She immediately started going to bars to meet men and put her profile on every dating site she could afford.  The resulting dates temporarily made her feel “whole” again.  Eventually, she married one of the men she met without ever grieving the loss of the initial relationship and, therefore, never learned any of the lessons that would have helped her avoid repeating the same mistakes.

It is natural to want to avoid emotional pain.  Just as when we are in physical pain we seek relief as quickly as possible.  However, there is great purpose in sitting with and, yes, even embracing emotional pain.  We can’t stay stuck there but the pain is part of the grieving, learning, and growth process.

If we seek relief before we work through the grief or process what happened we risk making some choices that can have significant negative consequences.  The desire to escape the pain just to get some relief may lead us to feed addictions or get in relationships before we are ready.  In the example I used earlier, my friend sought relief through relationships when what she really wanted deep down was to figure out what went wrong and the part she played in the dysfunction so she didn’t repeat it.  Other people might escape pain through eating, gambling, shopping, pornography, drinking, or any other number of ways to escape without processing through the pain.

My suggestion is to accept that there is going to be a rough season ahead and to stay in that moment to do the work.  Initially, there may just be a period of hurt and sadness.  That’s okay.  Don’t run from it.  Instead, find a trusted friend to talk with, journal your feelings, find a counselor if you get stuck, exercise, nurture your spirituality, and when it is time to move forward you will know.  There is no timetable on this.  Take as much time as you need regardless of what other people may tell you about the importance of moving on.

A word of caution.  Try not to intensify what feelings are naturally present.  Sometimes following a loss it is tempting to play sad songs or pull out other things that may increase your feelings of loss.  A little of that is okay as it helps get feelings out but doing it by yourself with no one to process with will probably only lead to depression.  Embrace the pain.  Share it with trusted friends.  Sit with it and learn what will eventually lead to better and healthy decisions.  You’ll be glad you did.

September 6, 2012

 

Uncovering My Spirituality

I was sitting on my deck, which overlooks a wooded area behind my apartment.  It is a peaceful place and very private and it is where I do my best thinking, writing, and God connecting.  The leaves rustling in the trees and the birds singing help to drown out the noise from the highway not too far away and the hum of air conditioners just below me.  It requires focusing on the God things rather than the man-made noise but I’ve gotten fairly good at it.

One day I was typing away on my writing project when I came to a part where I needed to define spirituality.  No problem.  I’ve been talking about it with clients, hearing about it at church, and debating it with friends for years.  This was the first time, though, that I really had to try and succinctly put it into words.  I realized this required a lot of thought and that, perhaps, I didn’t really know what I believed I knew about it. 

My writing came to a screeching halt as I pondered this for a week.  I really wanted to come up with my own definition based on my experiences and those of the people with whom I have had the privilege to connect over the years.  It took awhile but I finally arrived at my current belief about spirituality.  Are you ready?  Drum roll please!  I believe spirituality is the marriage of our core being with our Creator and his bigger story for creation and my participation on it.  First of all, please forgive the gender specific reference to God.  I did it for ease but fully realize God is not exclusively a male and encompasses all traits, which we tend to identify as either male or female.  My daughter Meredith, who is much more expressive than I, describes spirituality as an alluring, wild adventure in a bigger story than self that results in astonishment!  I love that girl and I love her description as well.  Please know that in no way do I believe either one is THE definition of spirituality or even that it will stay static.  Spirituality is living, breathing and subject to change.  My definition just reflects my belief now…but it is a very strong belief that I think brings consistency from both religious and mental health points of view.

Let me break it down. 

Core being:  This is our true heart, soul, and spirit.  Coming from a Judeo-Christian background, I believe we are all created in the image of God.  That means in our DNA we have his blueprint and it is consistent across the board.  We find in the incarnation of Jesus that God is all about certain things, namely love for others and self, grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, and bringing God’s kingdom to earth.  In fact, if you look at most of the major world religions you will find much consistency in these values.  If people across all cultures and religions can come up with fairly similar lists, that’s a pretty big clue that something significant is going on here.  If religions stopped there and just identified those truths, we would be in a much better place.  Where religion goes wrong is that it places rules and regulations on their interpretation of those truths and those are the things that cause wars.  But, that’s another topic.  The other things that get in the way, of course, are the pain and experiences of life, what we fill our heads with that is contrary to those God values, and the lies we believe about ourselves that have their origins from many different sources (our interpretation of what we have been told by parents, teachers, religious leaders, etc). 

A core part of spirituality, then, is getting healthy in our beliefs about self and God so that original blueprint is the place from which we live our lives, rather than from the distorted truths that come from lies we believe about others and ourselves.  If our goal is to align with God’s in a way that brings heaven to earth, we will reach out to others in love, show them grace and forgiveness, reconcile as much as is safe, and help each other out.  It is when we are out of harmony with this original blueprint that we experience pain in our lives.

 I am aware that it takes only one person or group to refuse to mend a broken relationship but when we substitute love for revenge or hate in response, we bring disharmony to our spirit.  When we cut people off because they’re too “needy” or don’t reach out in love to those different than ourselves, we bring disharmony.  When we insult, denigrate, or act unlovingly toward another human being, whether we personally know them or not, or any part of God’s creation, we bring disharmony to our souls.  Greed, instead of generosity, is also just an empty well.

My challenge for all of us is to uncover the layers of hurt and pain that lead us to live lives that produce attitudes contrary to our original spiritual DNA and to find the passions and gifts God has granted each of us and participate in the bigger story.  It is important to live in our passions and gifts and not someone else’s or what someone else thinks they should be.  We may find temporary happiness in circumstances and events, but true joy comes from living in spiritual harmony with God’s plan for his creation.  You’ll be astonished as you journey through the process of finding God’s footprint in your being and living from that place! 

August 8, 2012

Passionate Living

Passion is the spice of life. It’s the difference between riding a roller coaster and screaming with your hands in the air or holding on for dear life anticipating the end of the ride. It is the joyous anticipation of going out with friend’s verses the dread of wondering if it will be fun or if you will fit in. Imagine trodding through each day caring little about anything. We call that survival and it is not the kind of excitement and joy life is meant to bring.

 
We cut ourselves off from passion for a number of reasons. Maybe we’re afraid of rejection and we live in fear that we won’t be accepted or maybe we try to be loved by trying to make everybody else happy, an impossible task. Perhaps we see our life as a series of failures and have just stopped taking risks. Whatever the reason, if we stop trying to overcome the beliefs that hold us back, we are destined for mundane living. In order to keep going we end up cutting ourselves off from emotion and living depressed or anxious lives.

On the other side of the coin are those of us who live exclusively on passion. We cut off our intellect and just go with wherever our emotions carry us. If we want to shop, we shop regardless of our financial situation. If I want a car I buy it because, after all, I deserve it. Who cares if it is a two-seater convertible and I have a family of four. If I want to have an affair, I will because it feels good and my needs aren’t being met at home anyway. The list is endless.

As always, balance is the key. God gave us minds, emotions, spirituality, and physical aspects to our lives on purpose. They are meant to help us live in harmony and be joyous and productive. My encouragement is to live with passion, which comes from our emotional place, but to balance it with thinking through the positive and negative consequences and checking what we are about to do with our spiritual beliefs and physical constraints. Only when those four aspects are in harmony and congruence will we be able to truly enjoy the adventure without regret.

 

July 12, 2012

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The killers of our relationships

I remember the arguments I heard my neighbor having with his wife (not me, my neighbor). He would approach her and say something like, “The house looks like a tornado went through it. Are you ever going to clean it?” Her response, “Well, I’ve been busy watching the kids and doing laundry and it’s not that big of a deal anyway. Nobody is coming over. Maybe if you would help a little!” He rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever, you never do what you say.” while she grumbles under his breath an unintelligible phrase that sounds something like “control freak.” Sometimes they’d go back and forth for what seemed like hours, while other times it would end fairly quickly. However, it typically ended with both of them retreating and giving each other the silent treatment for a period of time. The longer the silence, the more passive-aggressive acts toward each other occurred. I’m sure you wouldn’t do this but I’ll bet you’ve witnessed your neighbor’s make these exchanges and thanked God that you weren’t like them.

This is an example of unhealthy communication and if it continues will lead to a situation where one or both partners feel unsafe, dread coming home, and even when things are going well, is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you were to begin measuring what your body does in a situation like this you would find that around this person your heart begins to race, your blood pressure elevates, and your adrenaline raises to the point where you cannot effectively solve problems.

 

The good news is that even in the most toxic relationships, repair attempts get made. A repair attempt is simply anything one does to try to improve or mend the situation. In his marriage lab, researcher Jonathon Gottmann identified two components that predict divorce, so if you   notice these in your relationship they must stop immediately.

 

Before we get there though, let’s analyze what went wrong in this exchange. First of all, the husband approached the wife with what Gottmann calls a harsh start-up. Instead of offering to pitch in and help and giving his wife the benefit of the doubt, he immediately approaches with criticism and implied accusation. When approached this way, the typical response is defensiveness to which he responds with eye rolling and both resorting to put-downs. Gottmann refers to this activity (eye rolling and put-downs) as contempt. Contempt is doing anything that is designed to make the other person look inferior or even stupid. When treated this way the argument typically escalates until stonewalling occurs and the silent treatment begins. Well, it is silent until someone thinks of another barb that can be thrown or some little way they can passive-aggressively get back at their partner. Gottmann refers to criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” and it usually will lead to the end of a marriage or, at least, a volatile and unhappy union.

The good news is that at any point in this exchange either partner can take a deep breath and make a repair attempt. A repair can be an apology for their part in the argument, an acknowledgement that anger is escalating along with an appeal for both to calm down, take a break, and try again in an hour, a hug out of nowhere, etc. In healthy relationships with the right timing, these attempts work.

Back to the two things that you must not allow yourself to do in a happy marriage; contempt and refusing a repair attempt. Communication styles where these are present are huge predictors of divorce. As a matter of fact, in happy marriages there were absolutely no incidences of contempt observed.

 

Now it isn’t fair of me to mention that all it takes to achieve a happy marriage is to just quit doing some things and start doing others without acknowledging that we all have baggage from out past that lead to our harshnish, defensiveness, assaults of contempt and stonewalling. That is why in marriage counseling the therapist may want you to work on your individual issues first or refer you to a seminar like “Breakthrough” before actually tackling the marriage relationship itself.

 

I encourage you to examine where you are in this communication cycle and if you are struggling to make it work in healthy ways, please contact me for help.   dfitzsimonslscsw@gmail.com

  June 25, 2012

Communication At Its Best

It is Monday morning and you have just dragged yourself out of bed to go to work.  You walk through the front door and the first person you see is your boss who greets you with, “That project you turned in on Friday was a mess!  You are to do nothing else until you get it right.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hired you!”  Imagine the feelings that come over you…shame, frustration, surprise, depression, guilt or a host of other emotions depending on who you are.  You may not even realize you have any of those feelings before you go straight to anger.  Not exactly the most inspiring boss for whom to work, is it?  In fact, thoughts of revenge may begin to creep in your head and you may even respond internally with “I’ll show her!”  At the very least, you are probably not going to feel inspired to work real hard for her or to want to hang out together on a Friday night. 

None of us want to be treated this way, yet we often talk to those we care about the most in this manner.  “Honey, you didn’t take out the trash, AGAIN!” or “You can do better than that.  Don’t be so lazy!”  You get the picture.  Then we wonder why our spouses do the minimum, if that, or why our children want to stay away from us.  It is for the same reasons you would not want to be with the boss mentioned in the first paragraph.

Now think about what it would be like to have a supervisor who first said, “Hi!  How was your weekend?  When you get a minute, I’d like to talk with you about the project you turned in Friday.  There are a few things we need to fine tune.”  That kind of respect encourages people to want to do their best and even go beyond what is required.  So, in the spirit of Biblical challenges of fathers not exasperating their children, husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and submitting to one another, let’s look at some of the components of healthy communication that are key to relationships such as these.

In his book, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, the late Stephen Glenn identified five “builders” to healthy communication.  Improvement in these areas will go far in improving any relationship in which you may be a part. 

1. Check instead of assume.  Many times we assume somebody knows something, places the same importance on it, or understands it in the same way we do.  For example, if I assume that my son had plenty of time to get the lawn mowed while I was at the store, I may be tempted to immediately confront him upon my return.  If, instead, I take the time to check it out first, I may find out that grandma called and he didn’t want to be rude and not talk or that he couldn’t get the lawn mower started.  Whatever the reason, checking things out puts both of us in a better position to solve the problem and get the task accomplished.  Assuming that my significant other was wrong when we miscommunicate or something doesn’t go as planned just leads to an argument and a stalemate.  Instead, check out what the other person understood and their perceptions.  You are likely to have an “aha” moment as you realize where the communication breakdown occurred.
2. Explore instead of rescuing or explaining.  If Susie is planning to go to camp, instead of making the list of what she needs to take with her, sit down together and explore her perception of what she’ll need.  Fill in what’s missing by asking something like, ‘Have you thought about how cold it may get at night?  What will you need for that?”  With our most important relationships, this technique causes people to feel empowered rather than looked down upon.
3. Encourage and invite instead of directing.  Instead of leaving a list for your spouse to complete while your gone, consider saying something like, “Honey I have an incredibly busy day and I’m worried I won’t be able to get (laundry, dinner, groceries, cleaning, etc) done.  I would really appreciate anything you could do to help.
4. Celebrate progress instead of perfection.  If  your son made a D in chemistry first quarter and makes a C second quarter, remember to celebrate the progress rather than point out he could have made a B.  After acknowledging the progress, talk with him about what ideas he has to help him keep improving.  Notice and celebrate the healthy progress in the lives of those we love.
5. Respect instead of ___isming.  You’ve heard adultisms before.  They sound like, “How come you never…, You should have known…, You’re grounded for the rest of your life…, etc.  Respect involves sitting down with the person, gaining their perspective and reaching decisions together.  Each person’s ideas are equally important.

Healthy communication takes more time initially, but pays big dividends in the long run.  As you try to improve remember to celebrate your progress, and give up that picture of perfection.  You are aiming for about 70% proficiency.  You will never reach 100% so be careful not to measure yourself by that standard.  It is also necessary to realize that sometimes there are things in our lives that influence us heavily to show power or be degrading to others.  If you find yourself stuck in a destructive communication pattern and can’t seem to make progress to healthier interactions, it is time to seek outside help.