Thinking of Reconciling a Relationship?

In my last post I addressed the topic of forgiveness and how necessary it is to grant it for our own emotional health and growth.  I outlined what it takes to get to the point of healthy forgiveness and how to avoid cheap forgiveness.  I also mentioned that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation and that it is important not to confuse the two.  Unfortunately, many people journey through their lives with a cloud of guilt hanging over them because they want so badly to reconcile a broken relationship but no matter what they try it doesn’t work.  Feelings of guilt and defeat follow them wherever they go.  Or they are very angry with another person because he/she is the one refusing to reconcile.  Some even question their spirituality because of their inability to fix what is broken.  However, just like forgiveness, reconciliation cannot be rushed and requires both parties be in a certain frame of heart for it to even have a chance. The more significant the broken relationship (father, mother, son, daughter, sibling), the more pain and defeat we feel and the more difficult the relationship can be to restore.  This post is important because while it is necessary to forgive, it is not always possible or even wise to reconcile.  From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is a necessary step but reconciliation is not.

Reconciliation requires hard work by both people.  It cannot be accomplished because one person is trying as hard as they can to mend the relationship while the other seemingly isn’t interested or isn’t emotionally healthy enough to do what it takes on their end.  So what does it take?

1.     A willingness to acknowledge the role each person played in the severing of the emotional bond.  I realize there is not always equal participation in the hurt but it is important that both people be on the same page as to who did what.  This doesn’t take an accusatory tone or confrontation, though that may have happened in the past, but rather a voluntary acknowledgment of the role each played in the dysfunction.  For example, in an abusive situation, the abuser must be willing to take full responsibility for what he or she did, never blaming the victim, in order for reconciliation to even be a possibility.  However, the disintegration of a marriage or other significant relationship usually involves unhealthy contributions of both parties so each must be insightful and humble enough to own and openly discuss the role they played.  For reconciliation to be possible, both people must in humility own the pain for which they are responsible without blaming the other person for the role they played.  If neither party can do this or if only one of the partners can admit their part, true reconciliation is not possible and any attempt to reconcile by the will of one person is unhealthy at best and dangerous at worst.  It is also very unhealthy for one person to try and act like nothing happened just to make things better.

2.     A change in behavior over a substantial period of time.  After each person recognizes their role in the relationship breach the behavior that caused the problem must completely stop or, in some cases, significantly decrease.  A period of “painful honesty” must follow.  By that I mean, going out of the way to make sure the offended party has absolutely no reason to question or doubt.  It is not possible to know if real change has occurred without a demonstration of truth for a period of time.  For example. I worked with a couple who were separated because the wife was no longer willing to accept her husband’s flirtatious behavior with other women.  He acted this way for so long it caused her to feel very insecure and to wonder if more was going on that she didn’t know about.  After she told him he needed to move out for awhile, a very contrite husband became very apologetic and promised it would never happen again.  Though she was tempted to accept his words and immediately start fresh, she wisely was cautious about taking him back and wouldn’t do so until after she had plenty of time to see how he behaved around other women.  Her friends also provided some extra eyes when she wasn’t around just for added insurance.  His part of “painful honesty” was giving his wife access to all his passwords for email, social media, and cell phone records.  This showed her just how serious he was in his reconciliation attempt.

In some cases full reconciliation is just too risky and shouldn’t even be attempted (unsafe people who still feel dangerous physically or emotionally), but it does not have to be an all or nothing situation.  In a previous post I gave an example of a grandfather who wanted to see his granddaughter.  Many years earlier he had sexually abused a friend of the mom’s when she was in her early teens.  He never fully owned what he did nor did he want to talk about it.  Because of his attitude, even though the offense occurred some 20 years earlier, grandpa could only see his granddaughter when mom was present.  There could be no unsupervised visits.  If she saw additional signs at any time that he still was tempted inappropriately by young girls, all visits would cease.  She was able to have a relationship with her father but only with these strong boundaries in place.

3.     Both parties must want to reconcile.  There are so many cases where an injured person or the person who primarily caused the pain wants so badly to restore the relationship but for whatever reason the other party isn’t interested.  No amount of begging, cajoling, manipulating, or threatening will result in a healthy restoration.  Reconciliation will have to wait until both people are ready with the understanding that that may never happen.  In that case it is important to be able to accept that the relationship will not ever be what it once was.

4.     New rules, new dynamics.  Full reconciliation of a relationship rarely results in the relationship being a close as it once was. There is almost always a period of testing and trepidation followed by a relationship that looks and feels differently than it did before.  This is normal and hopefully can be accepted as a healthy reaction.  However, there are some instances where the  relationship after reconciliation is closer than ever before.  The work put into resolving the situation actually brings the two people more intimacy and emotional bonding. 

People are worth second chances and close relationships are valuable and worth repairing if the mutual desire is there.  Just remember, the process takes a lot of hard work and can’t be done by just one person.  If you want reconciliation while the other person does not, I suggest working on acceptance of what has happened and learning to deal with the new status of that relationship.  You can’t make someone reconcile who is not interested.   So give yourself a break from guilt and/or anger and realize that the timing for reconciliation, if it is ever to occur, is crucial and can’t be forced.  If you are ready to reconcile but the other person isn’t be patient but realize trying to move on may be your best option.  In the meantime do all you can to work through whatever role you may have played in the hurt and learn from it, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.     

Authentic Forgiveness

We cannot live this life without being hurt in major and minor ways from time to time.  Whether it is being the recipient of a hurtful comment or facing the tragedy of divorce or even abuse of some kind we all eventually come face to face with the question of forgiveness and how in the world to grant it.  It is important advice that in order to move forward with life, we have to forgive.  Usually, our first inclination is to respond “No way!  They don’t deserve it.”  How do I truly forgive when I just don’t have it in my heart?  That’s why it is necessary to understand what forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and how to get to the place to truly grant it.

Simply put, forgiveness is no longer allowing myself to be defined by the person who hurt me.  That can be a complicated thing but let me give a couple of simplistic examples.  For various reasons, when I was a kid I was the victim of bullying.  What I took from that was that I am not only inferior to everyone else, but I am laughable as a human being.  Those beliefs led to depression and isolation and convictions that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish anything significant in my life.  No one would even want to be my friend and no girl would ever want to date me.  As a result I lived my life on the sidelines afraid to take risks for relationships or accomplishments.  Another common example is a parent or teacher who through one way or another gave you the message that you’re only as worthy as how good your grades were or how “perfect” you could be.  The result was that you tried to win the approval of others by sacrificing yourself in order to be “perfect”.  Life doesn’t work that way because you can’t make everyone happy and the person who is most unhappy is yourself. 

The first thing I had to do to begin healing was to recognize that the bullies were acting out of an unhealthy emotional place.  They needed to put someone down in order to feel okay about themselves.  That unhealthy place led them to treat me as they did.  I also had to realize that in my life I have also hurt people from my unhealthy places.  This took me to a place of forgiveness as I realized I have needed grace at times myself.  In the second example, the emotional abuse also came from unhealthy places that the abuser possessed.  Maybe they were abused themselves and felt powerless.  The way they dealt with it was to show power inappropriately wherever they could.  The most important thing is to recognize that THEIR STUFF IS THEIR STUFF AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO BELIEVE THE LIES I ACCEPTED ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS.  The things they said about you and me came from scarred places in their lives and had nothing to do with the truth about you and me.  Armed with this truth, not only can I forgive them (and leave the lies they taught me behind) but I can also forgive myself since now I understand my own motivations that held me back.  I can embrace a new life based on the truth of who I am rather than the lies they spewed my way that I allowed to hold me captive.

As important as it is to know what forgiveness is it is equally important to know what it is not. 

1.     It is not “forgetting”.  “Forgive and forget” is not wise and is generally a phrase used by the offender to avoid the consequences of her offense.  For example, if someone steals from you forgiveness means you get that for some unhealthy reason they committed this act against you but it also is still appropriate to take precautions to protect your things when they are around, at least until they show you they are trustworthy again.  More significantly, when you forgive someone who abused you, please set up appropriate boundaries to keep yourself and your own children safe.

2.     It is not reconciliation.  Forgiveness does not mean the relationship returns to the way it was before.  Again, appropriate boundaries are necessary to protect your heart until (or if) trust is earned again.  Reconciliation involves hard work by both parties and is sometimes extremely difficult to achieve, whereas you can forgive independent of what the other person does.

3.     It is not condoning the behavior.  Forgiving in no way justifies or condones the behavior.  It forgives the person, not their actions.

Forgiveness must come from a healthy place.  Being able to let go of the lies learned about us at the hands of the offender(s) takes work.  Forgiving before we are ready is cheap forgiveness at best and not forgiveness at all at its worst.  It will not work.  There is a process to get to this place and it cannot be rushed.  However, we want to be sure we are moving toward this place and not away from it or remaining stagnant.  Here is the journey I believe is necessary before we can authentically forgive.

1.     Grieving.  A breach in a relationship, no matter how big or small, requires grieving.  We must acknowledge what happened and experience the emotions that came as a result.  Much has been written about grief and a Google search will tell you all you need to know about this process.  Suffice it to say that the journey can take an hour or a year depending on the nature of the offence.  The main thing is to understand that this process can’t be short cut or avoided.  We don’t like pain so doing all we can to avoid it is our default place.  Unfortunately, no amount of alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, or any other addiction will successfully substitute for sitting in the pain and processing it.

2.     Humility.  It is important to realize that at the time the worst decisions of our lives made sense to us.  Maybe it was due to faulty information, an addiction unsuccessfully corralled, emotional instability, or all out mental illness but we have all had those times in our lives.  When all is said and done we can usually look back and understand the forces that led to the decisions we made.  As we needed grace (forgiveness) in those situations, so the current offender also needs grace and we need grace for ourselves.  It is the realization that the offender was out of control in some way for some reason.  It is out of our own humility that we find grace and can, in a healthy way, offer forgiveness.

I wish you peace on your journey and offer my help if you would like it.  For more info visit and like my FB page at www.facebook.com/donfitzsimonslcsw.  Video counseling is available.  I also welcome your questions or comments on my FB page.  Thanks for reading.

1/29/13  A Time to Wait

To be honest, waiting has never been my strong suit.  I tend to be a planner and am always looking for that next thing to do to grow this or create that and view those days where I don't do those things as wastes of time.  So there iss always a book to write or a contact to make to grow my counseling practice or a new program to develop.  Unfortunately, that approach is not working right now.

I hit a wall where I felt I had nothing to say so the writing stopped and I didn't know who else to contact so my practice stalled.  Most of all, I lost motivation.  If you read my last couple of posts you will see my struggle with this time in my life.

When I moved to Nashville I had a foolproof plan.  I was going to promote my video counseling practice until I got to know local referral sources through my volunteer work.  The problem is that my plan didn't work. Few people even wanted to give video counseling a try and you wouldn't believe how hard it has been to find places to volunteer.  Here I am over a year later pretty much in the same place I was when I arrived.

I was talking about this with Carolyn (my wife) the other day and she pointed out to me all of the changes I have travelled through in the past couple of years.  She asked me if it is possible that this time in my life is a time best served by savoring the changes and just waiting for what is next rather than try to fabricate it myself.  Immediately, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders as I realized just as there is a time to reflect, a time to take action, etc., there is also a time to savor and to relax and to wait.  I am there.  I am resting.  I am grateful.

December 06, 2012

 Spirals

I was considering today the rut I've been fighting regarding lack of motivation and how I have been clueless as to what to do about it.  I haven't been working on my book, building my practice, blogging, or journaling.  I wish I could say it is because I've been too busy, but that isn't the problem.  I have plenty of time.  It isn't because I have some unidentified fear holding me back either or that I'm anxious or depressed.  I've been to all those places before so I know how they feel.  So, what has been the problem?  Time for some much needed introspection.

The first thing I had to discover was what had served as my motivation in the past.  I sorted through several possibilities but I finally saw that my push to write usually came from an uneasiness about something that I felt and a desire to sort through it and then express my insights.  I did it mostly for myself just to acknowledge my heart, but also for anyone else who might care to read it and possibly find some encouragement in my words.  I also realized my motivation to counsel people came from a desire to use a gift and passion God has given me and for which I trained extensively.  After really digging in about what was keeping me from living out of my passion for the last month I realized I had begun lying to myself again.  It crept up on me so quietly and slowly that I didn't even know the lies were there.  I had experienced some direct hits from some folks who disagreed with some of the things I had written and I took it too personally.  I began to convince myself that it was just better to keep my thoughts to myself and that began a spiral that eventually led me to lose my passion to share what I felt God was laying on my heart.  The lie I began to believe was "I have nothing valuable to say" which quickly turned to "I have nothing valuable to offer".  The real, underlying issue that crept up in my brain again was the desire to make everybody happy.  That's what it boils down to for most of us isn't it?  Doing this introspective work freed me to apply the tools I teach others and enabled me to interrupt and begin to reverse the spiral.

I am becoming convinced that life is about spirals.  We are either spiraling up or spiraling down.  I'm not sure we can just stay in one place. That's the thing with lies we tell ourselves.  They easily spiral out of control in a downward direction taking us to crippling places.  Lies that produce fear can lead to paranoia which only produces more fear.  Lies that cause anxiety can produce panic which just produces more anxiety.  Depression leads to isolation which increases the depression.  You see the pattern.  Conversely, the truth sets us free to soar to new heights every day.  We would do well to pay attention to our behavior for that is our clue to what we are saying to ourselves.  If we have joy (different from happiness) and life is working we will find truth in what we believe about who we are and who God says we are.  When life isn't working well for us and we are experiencing feelings that are holding us back, let's take the time to find the lie or lies behind it.  We all need to feel we are contributing to our world in significant ways, not to prove our worth, but because we have worth and we are compelled to share it.  Don't let downward spirals rob you of hopes and dreams and the expression of your worth.  It isn't fair to you or to those who love you.  

October 31, 2012

Violating Myself?

So much has been written and discussed about the need to establish healthy boundaries in our lives in order to keep us safe and thriving emotionally, spiritually, and in our conduct.  Boundaries keep us from being walked on, being co-dependent, and taking on things of which we have no control.  They keep us from burnout and model for those around us what healthy self-care looks like.  It is a difficult task to maintain those boundaries when those around us often don’t like them and may try to make us feel guilty for maintaining them.  Nevertheless, it is essential to maintain them and continually assess what boundaries we need in place at any given time and those we may be able to release.  Ongoing assessment also is necessary to establish which boundaries are necessary for each person in our life.  Some boundaries are static but others may come and go depending on where we are in our growth process. 

Boundaries or agreements we have with ourselves are just as important if not more.  All of us have a moral code by which we try to live along with a belief system that guides our conduct.  Situations often arise where we are tempted to violate everything in which we believe for momentary pleasure or escape from emotional pain.  It is true that many times these moral codes and belief systems beg to be examined because they are conflictual in nature and are not working, but it is imperative that work be done examining these internal boundaries before violating them in the heat of temptation. 

In my own journey I went from a very black and white punitive belief system to a very quick transformation to love and grace.  I responded by doing whatever I wanted in this newfound freedom without giving thought to reexamining what personal boundaries needed to stay, those that needed to go, and new ones that needed to be established.  My personal agreement of not wanting to do harm to those I love was replaced with an anything goes lifestyle because I no longer feared punishment and condemnation from God.  The result was decision making that led me down a path of destruction.

Living out temptations that are in conflict with personal beliefs can lead to addictions, affairs, divorce, and interpersonal conflict among other things. The resulting internal shame and guilt will rob us of joy and create a feeling of needing to hide spiritually.  It often leads to depression, anxiety, and downward spins that are so difficult to escape.  Often we feel years of our lives have been wasted as we look back on our path of destruction.  In my experience, if I could do it over again, I would take this newfound belief system of grace and freedom and examine my current internal boundaries and agreements in light of this new path.  I would have discarded some but kept many others that would have prevented the destruction in my life.

My hope is that each of you will avoid the pain I created for myself by taking the time to work on your personal boundaries first and get them to a place of congruency and wholeness before making life-changing decisions that can lead to very destructive places.  This is where counseling or life coaching or even an honest, loving friend is very helpful.  Do the internal work.  It is worth it.

October 2, 2012

Embrace the Pain: Really?

I have a friend who went through a terrible break-up from a man with whom she had a very toxic relationship.  One would think that would bring a sense of relief but, instead, she went through incredible pain that led to depression.  She kept reliving the few good times of the relationship and wondered what she could have done differently to make the relationship last.  Her pain really wasn’t about losing him as much as it was her perception that she had failed again.  She felt scared about being alone and needed the validation that she felt only a man could provide.

She did what most of us would do.  She tried everything in her power to avoid the pain.  She immediately started going to bars to meet men and put her profile on every dating site she could afford.  The resulting dates temporarily made her feel “whole” again.  Eventually, she married one of the men she met without ever grieving the loss of the initial relationship and, therefore, never learned any of the lessons that would have helped her avoid repeating the same mistakes.

It is natural to want to avoid emotional pain.  Just as when we are in physical pain we seek relief as quickly as possible.  However, there is great purpose in sitting with and, yes, even embracing emotional pain.  We can’t stay stuck there but the pain is part of the grieving, learning, and growth process.

If we seek relief before we work through the grief or process what happened we risk making some choices that can have significant negative consequences.  The desire to escape the pain just to get some relief may lead us to feed addictions or get in relationships before we are ready.  In the example I used earlier, my friend sought relief through relationships when what she really wanted deep down was to figure out what went wrong and the part she played in the dysfunction so she didn’t repeat it.  Other people might escape pain through eating, gambling, shopping, pornography, drinking, or any other number of ways to escape without processing through the pain.

My suggestion is to accept that there is going to be a rough season ahead and to stay in that moment to do the work.  Initially, there may just be a period of hurt and sadness.  That’s okay.  Don’t run from it.  Instead, find a trusted friend to talk with, journal your feelings, find a counselor if you get stuck, exercise, nurture your spirituality, and when it is time to move forward you will know.  There is no timetable on this.  Take as much time as you need regardless of what other people may tell you about the importance of moving on.

A word of caution.  Try not to intensify what feelings are naturally present.  Sometimes following a loss it is tempting to play sad songs or pull out other things that may increase your feelings of loss.  A little of that is okay as it helps get feelings out but doing it by yourself with no one to process with will probably only lead to depression.  Embrace the pain.  Share it with trusted friends.  Sit with it and learn what will eventually lead to better and healthy decisions.  You’ll be glad you did.

September 6, 2012

 

Uncovering My Spirituality

I was sitting on my deck, which overlooks a wooded area behind my apartment.  It is a peaceful place and very private and it is where I do my best thinking, writing, and God connecting.  The leaves rustling in the trees and the birds singing help to drown out the noise from the highway not too far away and the hum of air conditioners just below me.  It requires focusing on the God things rather than the man-made noise but I’ve gotten fairly good at it.

One day I was typing away on my writing project when I came to a part where I needed to define spirituality.  No problem.  I’ve been talking about it with clients, hearing about it at church, and debating it with friends for years.  This was the first time, though, that I really had to try and succinctly put it into words.  I realized this required a lot of thought and that, perhaps, I didn’t really know what I believed I knew about it. 

My writing came to a screeching halt as I pondered this for a week.  I really wanted to come up with my own definition based on my experiences and those of the people with whom I have had the privilege to connect over the years.  It took awhile but I finally arrived at my current belief about spirituality.  Are you ready?  Drum roll please!  I believe spirituality is the marriage of our core being with our Creator and his bigger story for creation and my participation on it.  First of all, please forgive the gender specific reference to God.  I did it for ease but fully realize God is not exclusively a male and encompasses all traits, which we tend to identify as either male or female.  My daughter Meredith, who is much more expressive than I, describes spirituality as an alluring, wild adventure in a bigger story than self that results in astonishment!  I love that girl and I love her description as well.  Please know that in no way do I believe either one is THE definition of spirituality or even that it will stay static.  Spirituality is living, breathing and subject to change.  My definition just reflects my belief now…but it is a very strong belief that I think brings consistency from both religious and mental health points of view.

Let me break it down. 

Core being:  This is our true heart, soul, and spirit.  Coming from a Judeo-Christian background, I believe we are all created in the image of God.  That means in our DNA we have his blueprint and it is consistent across the board.  We find in the incarnation of Jesus that God is all about certain things, namely love for others and self, grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, and bringing God’s kingdom to earth.  In fact, if you look at most of the major world religions you will find much consistency in these values.  If people across all cultures and religions can come up with fairly similar lists, that’s a pretty big clue that something significant is going on here.  If religions stopped there and just identified those truths, we would be in a much better place.  Where religion goes wrong is that it places rules and regulations on their interpretation of those truths and those are the things that cause wars.  But, that’s another topic.  The other things that get in the way, of course, are the pain and experiences of life, what we fill our heads with that is contrary to those God values, and the lies we believe about ourselves that have their origins from many different sources (our interpretation of what we have been told by parents, teachers, religious leaders, etc). 

A core part of spirituality, then, is getting healthy in our beliefs about self and God so that original blueprint is the place from which we live our lives, rather than from the distorted truths that come from lies we believe about others and ourselves.  If our goal is to align with God’s in a way that brings heaven to earth, we will reach out to others in love, show them grace and forgiveness, reconcile as much as is safe, and help each other out.  It is when we are out of harmony with this original blueprint that we experience pain in our lives.

 I am aware that it takes only one person or group to refuse to mend a broken relationship but when we substitute love for revenge or hate in response, we bring disharmony to our spirit.  When we cut people off because they’re too “needy” or don’t reach out in love to those different than ourselves, we bring disharmony.  When we insult, denigrate, or act unlovingly toward another human being, whether we personally know them or not, or any part of God’s creation, we bring disharmony to our souls.  Greed, instead of generosity, is also just an empty well.

My challenge for all of us is to uncover the layers of hurt and pain that lead us to live lives that produce attitudes contrary to our original spiritual DNA and to find the passions and gifts God has granted each of us and participate in the bigger story.  It is important to live in our passions and gifts and not someone else’s or what someone else thinks they should be.  We may find temporary happiness in circumstances and events, but true joy comes from living in spiritual harmony with God’s plan for his creation.  You’ll be astonished as you journey through the process of finding God’s footprint in your being and living from that place!